Friday, January 18, 2013
Where I Been, Where I Be, Where I Be Goin...
NOTE: This is not MY pregnant belly. This is a random internet image of a pregnant belly. I just liked it.
NOTE: I am, however, pregnant.
NOTE: It is, also in fact, a girl.
Oh, wow, you might be saying, that's great, did you just find out? Is that why we're only hearing about this now?
The truth is, I'm due soon. Increasingly sooner and sooner-er. Mid March, to be specific. So, no, I did not just find out. Have I been thinking about posting about it here for quite awhile? Yes. Have I been encouraged by others to write, in particular, about the pregnancy in this space? Yes, I have. Have I done any of that? No, I have not.
Oh, Shanti Towners...what can I even say for myself?
I will start with this...early on in the pregnancy I spent one tearful afternoon telling a very close friend (who is a new mother) all about how much trouble I was having getting work done...how I had made a commitment to myself this year to take my creative work more seriously and now, with the due date looming like a giant measuring stick (you must have gotten THIS much done in order to ride this ride), I was feeling...lost. What exactly was I supposed to be focusing on? Where exactly was I supposed to be putting my energy? And who, for the love of ______, was I exactly, anyhow?
Said friend listened very politely to my struggle and then reminded me, as gently as possible, that I was currently involved in the biggest creative project of my life...the creation of another human being...and that it made sense that perhaps I did not feel like I had as much out in my output these days.
So I have allowed myself, Shanti Towners, a bit of a paring down, these last several months. My creative energies have been going to projects outside of this blog, and that includes, in large part, to the creative project currently taking place in my belly. Hence the prolonged absence.
Which I can not promise you will not continue, but hopefully even the continued absence will be punctuated with some shouts and giggles from the other side.
As for now, as the due date moves closer, I find myself in the midst of a necessary shedding...a space-making, a time-taking, a head-clearing. Which sounds, I'm sure, very lovely and maybe even easy to some of you...but trust me, for this lady, it's not. It's not at all easy. It's confusing. And on certain days, it's hard to know exactly what I'm putting down, and for how long, and how and if and when exactly I will pick it back up again.
It is a time, for me, of learning (re-learning) how to trust the process. What happens when you let something go? What happens when you trust that just because you're not actively worried about/working on/obsessing about something, it does not mean that something will disappear from your life or your heart? What happens when you give yourself space to just breathe and to be and to connect, whether or not you think you've "earned" it? What happens then? Does everything fall apart like your busy brain tells you it will...or does something else happen? Does something get clearer? Does anything?
For the moment...I'm not sure. But I'll let you know what I find out...
Until then, Shanti-Towners...sending you lots and lots of love...