Train-ing in Frustration

I'm deep into rehearsals for my current show, and have been squeezing my practice into early mornings and two-hour breaks or, if worse comes to worse, in ten minute slots of time, sprawled out on a sawdust covered floor in the theater. I know that my practice gets sacrificed during the weeks leading up to a show, I know this from experience, and I also know that it will all even out again once the show is up and running...this is what I try and remind myself...but my body begins to complain after a few days of haphazard practice and I, un-yogic-ly, have nightmares of all my hard work slipping away from me as my practice dwindles from 5 to 3 days/week (or worse!). So, I struggle during these weeks--to keep practicing even if it's not as much or as challenging as I want it to be, and to remind myself that there are only so many hours in a day, and only so much that I can do...

But some days are harder than others.

This morning I had a costume fitting scheduled for 10am, which I was nervous about, as I was supposed to be in midtown by 11:00 for my job-job...but the designer assured me she would get me in on time, and the fitting was just on 26th street, so I figured I would be okay.... I had spent a good part of the early morning half-assing it through a practice while my brain wheeled madly, trying to figure out how I could jam a class into my day. Maybe I can leave work a couple hours early? Maybe I won't go at all? How many classes will I take this week? How EARLY can I get up tomorrow? On and on. Truth be told, I COULD have taken a class this morning, if only I'd woken up at 6am when my alarm went off...

But, unable to solve this conundrum, still bandying around the idea of ducking out of my job-job at 4pm to make it to a class before rehearsal, I headed off, in plenty of time to make my fitting. I even postponed my cliff-bar-from-the-deli ritual in order to have a cushion on the other side of my train-ride. However...things being as they are, meaning, as my friend's father used to say: "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get", nothing went quite as planned.

The train was just pulling in to the station near my house when I arrived and I thought my goodness, what luck! There was nowhere to sit, which was kind of a bummer, especially since I had put on uncomfortable (yet beautiful) shoes this morning (a whim!). But, C'est la vie! I have a good book to read...no harm done. THIRTY MINUTES later, when we had still only gone 2 stops and I had finally looked at my calendar to see that my fitting was over on 11th ave and would take me at least an additional 15 minutes of walking when I finally did get off the train (whenever that might be...), maybe even longer, taking into account my beautiful yet idiotic shoes and this meant I would most definitely be late not only for my fitting, but for work, which really blows my take-off-early-and-make-a-yoga-class idea all to smithereens, not to mention the fact that as soon as I DID get off the train I would get a voicemail from my commercial agents asking me could I please make an audition that afternoon, which meant not only would I be late to work I WOULD have to leave early, after all, and...life was looking preeeeeetty unfair.

I tried, gentle readers, I tried not to let it rile me up. I really did. I tried repeating "Ganesha" over and over as one of my yoga teachers says she does on aggravating train rides, I tried taking the joke, I tried gently asking myself what the universe was trying to say to me about worry and rushing, but to tell you the truth, the whole thing really ticked me off!

But what could I do, but wobble my way the several long blocks to the fitting, apologize to both designer and boss, adjust my schedule to give me enough time to run to my audition later, and try (and try and try and try) to not show up to my fitting in a lousy mood. Of course I couldn't find the entrance to the costume collection and of course I got on the wrong elevator and then had to get off again, but with every step I just had to remind myself to let it go and continue moving...the world is not conspiring against me, the world is not conspiring against me...no one, after all, wants to deal with a crabby actor, no matter what kind of morning they've had. And nor did I want to pull myself so far downhill that I would not be able to climb up again (you know what I'm talking about). I could feel myself wanting, again and again, to put on my "everything sucks" goggles--thoughts of all the larger and larger and larger annoyances in my life beginning to surface (all for the sole purpose of keeping the feeling of frustration alive in my body), and again and again I had to take them off and breathe. And breathe. And breathe.

So, as it turns out, even though I will NOT be making it to class today, I might still be getting all the practice I need...