Why Perfection Ain't It...

I have some breaking news, I hope you're all sitting down...

I.  Am NOT.  Perfect.

I just found this out myself pretty recently and believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are.  But get this!!  Not only am I not currently perfect, but I will NEVER be perfect.  (This is the one that really knocked me for a loop...).

But folks, here's what I've been slowly discovering, about this whole "perfection" thing:  If you believe you either a. can achieve perfection, b. are destined to achieve perfection and therefore c. MUST achieve perfection, you will tend to feel...DISAPPOINTED ALL THE TIME.

I was in a class the other day, one of the extra-long "practice" classes, where the teacher practices along with the students and, depending on the teacher, goes yoga pose ca-ra-zay...and in this particular class, with this particular energetic (and lovely) teacher, I was BY FAR the least capable student in the room.  There were, just, oodles of poses I couldn't even attempt, but which everyone else could, and did...and my first response was a feeling of being...affronted.

How DARE they all be able to do these poses I don't know how to do...don't they know who I aaaaaaaam?!  I am one of the lucky few who drives herself to distraction with the deep ceaseless drive for perfection!!  No, better even...I am one of those rarefied ones who knooooows deep in her heart that she is destined for perfection and so deserves any present day misery in service of the larger goal, and how dare you screw that up by proving me to be only (argh!)...oooooordiiiiinaaaaaary!

And I remembered how the last time I took an acting class I had this feeling...this feeling that I was not (god forbid) the BEST in the class and that my imperfection was being displayed for all to see, and how just tormented I was by it.  And I remember that I was cleaning a bathroom one night after class, just scrubbing and ruminating, when this thought occurred to me...

"If I didn't think that I am supposed to always be the very best at everything I do...if I didn't HAVE to be best in class...what would happen?"

And I realized that I would be...well, I would be the actress that I actually AM.  That maybe instead of being ashamed and disappointed that I was not living up to my own expectations of total f-ing perfection, maybe I would actually be able to see IN REALITY what my strengths and weaknesses are.

And if...if I look at those actual strengths and weaknesses and I (horror of horrors) turn out to be just...human.  Just a woman with a career and a family and a...life.  Then what?  Does that mean I don't count?  If I don't turn out to be a world-changing media-shaking titan (which, I have to say, since I'm nearly 30 and have like $2 in the bank, doesn't exactly seem EMINENT)...what, I'm just going to be disappointed my whole life?  Not just disappointed, but robbed of my present day experience because none of it "measures up"?!  Never knowing or being able to feel good about the place I'm currently standing in?

And I went back to that class, determined to be my imperfect self, and things turned around for me.  I became...with myself.  And my work got better.  And the praise I wanted, the feeling of satisfaction I wanted, the feeling that good work was being done...all came, effortlessly.

And I watch myself in yoga classes now, and I watch my students in class with me when I teach, and I see how often (even though it's not supposed to be part of the game) there is this sense of embarrassment when we can't do something...like if only not for that, no one would know we're not perfect.  Or at least WE wouldn't have to be faced with it.  And that's just...missing the bigger picture. 

Because, no matter what it is...how we are as an artist or a partner or a mother or a child, I think it's all just an opportunity for us to experience ourselves and our lives as they actually are and not, as so many of us seem to use them for, one more opportunity to measure ourselves against our own impossible standards.

So, Shanti-towners, go out there and be imperfect!! Let your average flag fly!!  You might just notice yourself breathing a big sigh of relief...

xo
YogaLia