Why I Don't [blank] As Much As I Should...

Home Practice.  Argh.

I've talked about this before in this blog, and thankfully, I have learned a few things about what a home practice is "allowed" to look like.  And that is...absolutely anything.  I've taken a very sneaky poll over the last few months of my fellow teachers and what their at-home deal is all about (I try to sneak it into conversation in unlikely places, as if we're just sharing, and not as if I'm picking their brains about their behind-closed-doors lives so that I can feel better about mine.  Which I am).  Anyhow...there's a range.  And the big advice is always...do what makes you feel good.

Do what makes you feel good.  (This is why I'm a yogi and not a Catholic.)

Alright, so I'm allowed to just do headstand and some pigeons if that's all I want to do.  Excellente!  You'd think I'd be rolling out my living-room mat like a champ.  But I'm not, and here's why:

1. I'm going to be really honest here Shantis...I'm teaching tons of classes every week, I'm talking about yoga, I'm writing about yoga, and between classes I'm thinking about, well, my wedding...and yoga.  The last thing I want to do when I'm home by myself...is yoga.  It's just the bald ugly truth.  I'm so sensitive about not turning my practice into a chore, terrified that then this one thing that has provided me such obligation-free joy over the last many years...will be ruined.  So I have been skimping on my at-home work.

2. I let myself get away with moi-der when I'm at home.  I am the kind of student at home that I would NEVER be in someone else's class.  I get distracted.  I half-ass all kinds of stuff.  I let my mind just go buck-wild...I mean WIIIIIIIIIIIIIiillllllllllllld.  I drink tea, I answer my phone, I sort of half check my email by glancing at the computer from the ground.  I fall out of poses!  All the time!  I rarely fall out of a pose in class! Want to know why?  Because in class...I'm focused.

3. And this goes along with number 2...I skimp on the el-class-o structure-o.  I just don't give myself a full class.  No theme-setting, no Om-ing...sometimes even (gasp) no savasana.  I mean, do I really neeeeeed all that stuff when I'm alone?  I'll just "mark" the places where I would normally be setting up or taking down and that will be good enough.  Right?

Wroooooooooooong.

Oh my god...if I went to someone's class and did that, I would be the crazy distracted student they told their friends about afterward.  I think about my own wildly distracted students this way!  Poor unfocused darlings!  But apparently their distractedness is just a reflection of my own scattered inner-workings!  I mean, come on, this is "outside is inside" symbolism 101, people! I should knoooooow this.

So, yesterday, I took matters into my own hands...I decided that I would treat my home practice just like it was a real class.  I moved furniture.  I brought props.  I chose a time frame and some practice-appropriate music...I turned off my phone and closed my computer...and set to work.  I did everything but give myself my own dharma talk!  I om-ed, I bowed, I focused.  I treated my practice with a bucketful more reverence than I normally do...and it worked!  I was present, I was breathing, I even did some crazy ass stuff that I would usually need a teacher to push me into.  ("crazy ass stuff"...yes, that is sanskrit.  It means...crazy. ass. stuff.)

So, great.  What I want to know is...why is the mere fact that other people are present in the room, or the mere fact that someone else is holding you accountable...why is that the necessary catalyst for a person to set to work?  My writers out there...you know what I'm talking about.  Deadlines can function like this...even if the only person who's going to read something is Paul, it makes me more likely to dedicate myself toward completing what I'm working on.  But try and sit down every day to do your work without this something or someone as encouragement...it's so much more challenging!  Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves permission to be dedicated?  To be focused?

Well, enough is enough!

From here on in, I'm saying it outloud...you get to be as sweet to yourself as you are to other people, as attentive to your own work as you are to the work that is assigned to you from elsewhere, and deeply dedicated to the actions you take, whether you're alone, or in front of 1,000 people.