Showed up to the studio on Saturday all ready to take a pre-rehearsal class and found out that I had inadvertently shown up for a Basics class! Heaven forbid!
I sort of stood in front of the sign-in sheet and stared at it, my ego railing against the idea of taking a, gasp, beginner's class (how will anyone KNOW how advanced I really am?!) but unable to justify taking off my yoga pants and going outside to kill time for two hours before rehearsal, yoga-free, when, after all, here I was, dressed and ready to go...and it was a class, after all...
So, I buttoned up my pride and found a place in the room, determined to be in the class with humility (and not a hoity-toity "i'm too good for this beginner stuff" attitude), which was not as easy as it might seem. In fact, I felt myself torn between two poles throughout the class: 1. not wanting to SEEM arrogant by modifying too many poses into their more difficult form, or by moving too quickly or being too much of a show-off, lest anyone should feel shown-up or slighted, and 2. very much WANTING to show-off and prove myself as better or more capable.
Does this sound like a familiar struggle to anyone? I mean, jesus christ, that is perhaps the most succint description of my entire LIFE's struggle: on the one hand not wanting to be too big, in order to not hurt any feelings or flare the insecurities of others, and on the other hand, wanting nothing but to prove to everyone how much better and more talented I am than everyone else, motivated of course by small feelings on my part. (God, I hope this sounds familiar to someone, or else it's just a really embarrassing admission...)
In the course of this small battle with the two poles of my ego I realized the following things:
1. That I am not perfect. Shocker. And that in fact many of the poses which I pride myself on my rock-solid ability with are perhaps lacking in some foundation principles. Hence the wobbling.
2. That sometimes going slowly is actually much more difficult (and more worthwhile) than speeding through.
3. That humbling experiences are good for a person. Namely, me.
4. That I have come a long way, but...
5. That it is important, once a person has come a long way, for that person (me) to remember that there was a point at which that person (me) began, a point at which some of the things that that person can do really well and with a lot of ease now, did not come so easily. In fact, there was a point at which there were many things that person (me) couldn't do at all, and so that person should not pretend that she is any better than those people who can't do those things that she can do. Because that would be really ass-holey.
6. Going back to basics once in awhile, can only be a good thing.
