Yesterday morning, while en route to yoga class I was struck, briefly, by the jealousy monster. Ol' green eyes herself. She came on suddenly--I was hustling in to a coffee shop near the yoga studio to grab a pre-class Cliff Bar and Vitamin Water (blog sponsorship, anyone?) when I suddenly found myself FUMING, yes fuming, about some news I had previously received about the rocket-like ascension of the career of a more-than-acquaintance-less-than-friend friend. Yes, that's right, FUMING over the SUCCESS of another. I will spare you the details of said fume-fest, but I will salvage my own dignity by telling you that I did catch myself in the middle of it and ask myself a stern, "what are you doing?!"
And then, in a moment of clarity, with a kind of roused from a walking dream slow waking, I asked myself again (in earnest this time), "wait...what AM I doing?" As in, what exactly am I upset about? As in, why on earth would another person's success make me...mad?
Is it because I think said person is unworthy? Definitely not. Said person is wildly talented and also just all-around cool and interesting, so no. Not that.
Is it because said person's success impinges directly on my ability to be successful? Like, there's only 11 servings of successful career to go around and said person just took the last one? Noooo.
Is it because I am now no longer going to be able to be successful because said person did exactly what I was planning on doing and now I'm just going to be a cheap imitation? Again, no.
So what is it? What on earth could be upsetting and also near panic-inducing about someone else climbing a ladder perhaps just a bit quicker than me?
I didn't come to an answer then and there, but instead decided to let it percolate while I sweated it out in class. And percolate it did...
The theme of class that day (this is always how it works, by the way, that undoubtedly whatever I'm struggling with will SOMEHOW be the theme of the practice) was effort and surrender and knowing oneself well enough to know when to do one and when to do the other. I already know myself well enough to know that I almost always err on the side of too much effort not enough surrender, and I thought that I would have this new thing to think about...this "surrender" thing, and that maybe I could just let the whole raging envy situation subside of it's own accord.
And then, something happened.
I started having a little (tiny) minor irritation during class about, well, about other students getting more praise than me. (Oh my god, any of my teachers who are reading this...my apologies. For being ridiculous.) Anyhow, I was having this like "oh I'm having an off day, why aren't I doing as well as so-and-so...". Right? Nevermind that I'm in a class I rarely go to and nevermind that I AM doing just FINE. It was just that...wait...what was it?
It was just that...
I...
Wasn't...
the...
BEST.
I wasn't the BEST in class.
And that's when it dawned on me. I wasn't upset about said rising star above because said rising star has what I want...and I wasn't upset in class because other yogis could do what I couldn't...and, hell, half of all my career anxiety LIFE anxiety is not simply because I'm not as far along in certain areas as I want to be, it's because some part of my adorably misguided brain thinks that I am supposed to be THE BEST at everything. Not MY best, people. THE. BEST. Better than everyone else at EVERYTHING I try. Even if not the most talented, than at least, well...cutest while attempting, or something like that.
And as this was occurring to me in class I automatically thought, well, EVERYONE feels that way...
Or...do they?
WAIT! Do other people NOT feel that way? Are there other people who don't walk into every situation expecting to win best in show? And if not, well...oh my god, that sounds NICE! Then what do they...I mean how do they...
KABOOOM!!!
(that's the sound of my brain exploding).
If I didn't feel like I had to be THE BEST at everything then I could focus on...doing...MY best? Or, this one is way out in left field but, just...enjoying myself? (This is the moment when choirs of little singing angels alight on my shoulders.)
I'm being a little dramatic about this, and it's not as if this has never occurred to me before, but for some reason seeing it in this particular way...that there is some part of my really and truly attempting to be BETTER at EVERYTHING than EVERYONE...well, it made me feel completely ridiculous and therefore just a tiny bit liberated. It also helped that I have long ago learned that my holding myself to these kinds of standards is exactly the thing that keeps me from being MY best, let alone THE best.
