Why The Universe Can Suck It

Some bidnezz first:

1. For those of you who have asked for pictures of the wedding, they ARE coming.  We are way behind on the post-wedding upkeep (including thank you cards, eek!), but I promise, pictures will come!

2. My new husband (giggle) has graciously agreed to guest blog the Paris half of the honeymoon for Shanti Town, so look out for that this weekend!

Now, ahem...on with the show!

Why The Universe Can Suck It.

So...I was talking through a problem last week with a dear friend of mine who, like me, has a tendency toward the symbolic when working through tangled situations  (or, well, I do this with EVERY situation, not just tangled ones)...what does this mean?  She asked me.  What is the universe trying to tell me?  And I pondered this, seriously, as we spoke.

I thought of all the times in my own life I've searched for answers in little clues.  I thought about the times I've spent minutes or hours or days deciphering some happenstance encounter or phone call or dream or...license plate (yikes!)...pulling it apart, trying to discern it's deeper meaning, it's buried clues.  Why did that car show up at THIS moment with THAT message written on it?!  I thought about how this usually never leads me anywhere but into deepening anxiety.  But how I always feel like I must be doing deep spiritual work, investigating the minutia of my life in this way.  But that deep down I always also sort of feel like a giant goober, letting my day get hijacked by a street sign.

And then I thought about my new mantra:

The Universe Can Suck It.  

(Sometimes it's more strongly worded than that in my head, but this is a family blog so...insert expletives as you see fit).

The Universe Can Suck It, people, not because there's anything wrong with the Universe, not because I no longer believe in the Universal, but because, come ON.  Dude (Universe), if you want me to KNOW something, can you try to be a little less cagey about it all?  I mean, is this really how I think the larger forces in the world, the ones that are supposedly all-good and all-knowing, work?  Do I really think that they're just planting mildly uncomfortable and completely unintelligible signs in my life for me to turn my self into knots trying to work out?  If so, then I have a few ground rules that I am going to need to lay down for this frat-boy prankster of a universe:

1.  If you would like me to know something, please make it clear.  If I'm, you know, "off the path", or about to make some mistake or missing some big piece of the puzzle...just go ahead and lay it out for me.  I can take it, just put them cards on the table.  UNTIL then, until I have clear and unmistakeable clarity about your intentions, please don't be offended if I just ignore you.

2.  I'm in charge.  This means, I make the decisions about my life that I want to make.  I will base those decisions on my personal well-being and present-moment happiness.  If you have a problem with that, I apologize, and please see item #1, above.  In the meantime, I will NOT be searching the world for signs of your approval.  Turns out, I don't actually need your approval to make decisions.  So there.

3.  And this is a big one...I am done with you being cast as some distant mean-girl frenemy in my life.  If you want to be a participatory force in my world (which, you know, I know you dooooo), then you're going to need to work WITH me.  I'm making the decision that my own peace of mind is more important than figuring out what the hell you're up to, so...I'll be over here living my life, and you are welcome any time.  But I'm not going to bring anything to a halt to go chasing you down.  You little snot.

This is what I'm telling the Universe, this is what I told my friend, and this is what I'm telling you, lovely beautiful amazing Shanti-towners...which is: who CARES what it means.  Signs, omens, premonitions...it's all either just one more thing that can hold you back from living your life and living it fully, or it's not.  And I'm choosing not.  Because in my heart of hearts, I can't believe that any of those things, the "signs" that fill us with dread at their possible meaning...none of those things come from the big giant heart of the Universe.  Those things come from the tiny and unimaginative universe, the one that lives in all of our heads, and they are best disposed of quickly and totally.

Trust me on this one, if the Universe wants you to know something...she is going to make it known, in no uncertain terms, and it's going to feel like LOVE.  Not fear.

So the next time you find yourself trying to untangle the hidden meaning of the black cat crossing your path or the cockroach on your wedding dress (don't ask), just tell the Universe...

Well, you know.

Do Not Disturb

It's Friday morning and I am sipping hotel coffee in my king-size Westin San Diego bed.  Thank you, oh ye gods of hospitality.  I've been here since late Wednesday night, an impromptu trip to visit my mister while he does some work here in lovely SD.   And it IS lovely, though also a bit implacable, as some cities can be...even after a day of wandering I still found myself wondering, "WHO are you, San Diego?"   As of yet I have no answer, though we did happen across some super amazing wine and food last night at this place called Red Velvet Wine Bar, which made me feel a bit more tender about the city overall.

Today I am left to my own devices, and once I can manage to get myself away from this oh-so-comfortable bed, I'll be heading across town to take a yoga class at a nearby studio.  (From a teacher, it turns out, who is a former Laughing Lotus grad, so that should be pretty cooooool.)

Anyhow, I have a little parable to leave you with before I start my day...

Yesterday, also while alone in aforementioned hotel room, I spent several minutes composing and then deleting emails.  I was having one of those days where I felt, oh, sort of forgotten.  Not in a friends and family way, but in a work-relationships kind of way, and my impatience was getting the best of me.  Why isn't that person emailing me back?  Why haven't I gotten any word back about X job I just did or am about to do or said I would do?  Why, why, why?  And I tried composing some direct, "hey did you get my last email?" emails, and I tried composing some less direct, "hey how ARE you?" emails (in the hopes that just my name in the ol' inbox would trigger some response), and then I tried composing some less direct (and way more manipulative) work-around emails, to connections of the people I was actually trying to reach, subtly urging them to help me out. 

But I deleted all of them.

I deleted them because I could feel that I wasn't composing these emails...no, no, that little demon DESPERATION had control of my email account for the moment, and even though it was like putting down an unlit cigarette once you've already stuck it in your mouth and started digging around for the lighter...I willed myself to PUT the email DOWN.  And I did.  And I sat there with myself.  And I reminded myself that I have been down this road before in other incarnations of my life and career, and that even though writing and sending the missive itself can momentarily relieve the itch, that ultimately, whether it's later that day or a week down the road...it would only make things worse.  I reminded myself that it was okay to be patient.  I reminded myself that my time would be better served by getting on my mat and practicing, or reading that book I brought with me, then sending desperate calls for affirmation out into the cyber-universe.

So, that's what I did.  I got on my mat, in the corner of empty hotel room floor, and started playing around.  And after not too long, I nearly forgot what I was so tied up about to begin with.  Until my hotel phone rang.  It was the concierge--I had earlier asked for someone to come up and replace our broken coffee maker, and the concierge woman was following up:

"There is someone with a replacement coffee maker standing outside your door," she said, "but you have your "do not disturb" sign up, and they aren't allowed even to knock if it's there."

And as I hurried over to the door, to let in the man with my new replacement coffee maker, the thing I had REQUESTED, I had to thank the universe for its quick and witty response to my tiny troubles.

GIRLFRIEND, says the quippy universe, you have to take down the sign that says DON'T COME IN, before I'm gonna come in.  You dig?!

And that sign, the one you inadvertently place on your door, while inside you wonder where your coffee-maker is...it can be any number of things.  Maybe it's desperation, maybe it's worry, maybe it's your conclusion that no one cares, that no one wants you, that you're not good enough...whatever it is, just remember that THAT is what is preventing the easy flow of solutions and offers and functioning coffee-makers into your life. 

So, Shanti-towners, if you're feeling stuck, or unseen, it might be worth taking a quick look outside to see if you've accidentally put out that DO NOT DISTURB sign.  Because the universe is polite, and it's not even going to knock, if it's up.