Shanti Town

Class: 4:00-5:45pm, "Cosmic Play", Edward.

Edward, though I'm a little intimidated by him sometimes, might possibly be the most innovative, creative, and all-around mind-blowing teacher I've had the chance to study with. This class--the one that (gulp) all the teachers take--is advanced and free-form and the music Edward plays always ROCKS!

I, mistakenly, put my mat in the front of the room for this class--there weren't many people and we were all asked to move up--and I had an hour and 45 minute wrestling match with my ego because of it. As such, I had the following realizations (while attempting to do one of the many one-handed inversions that Edward demonstrated with such wood-nymph-like precision):

1. I am nowhere near beyond the point where I want to be the "A" student in class--and this holds me back more than it motivates me.

2. The poses that are the most difficult for me are those which require either total abandon, total upside-down-ness, or total relaxation. This means handstand and forearm stand (in the middle of the room--I'm alright against the wall) dropping back into wheel and, yes, shavasana, are among those poses which give me major trouble.

3. The poses that I can not do, or won't allow myself to do, represent the culmination of struggles in other areas of my life, i.e., learning to let go--as these poses literally will not happen without my giving over to the pose and relinquishing my conscious ego-hold on getting it right.

4. I worry a lot about looking stupid. This one is a bit of a surprise to me, as I'm constantly looking stupid in front of big groups of people as an actor and auditioner, but also it makes total sense to me, as my biggest set-back as an actor is my inability to let go and trust my own instincts (see above).

5. I want to develop a practice that is more deeply and personally mine, so that I am not so easily thrown by this "how am i doing" head.

6. Watching people in that class glide from handstand into wheel and back into handstand, without making a sound or rippling the air makes my heart sing. I. Want. That.

7. Somersalts are awesome.

I will say that my alignment in all my inversions is improving a lot--I think I have the strength and balance and breath-work to be able to DO all of the poses I'm kind of fiddling around with right now: dropping back, handstand, etc...but my mind just takes over. I stand on the edge of the cliff and I just start staring at the water and the distance between me and the rocks, and all the possible miscalculations, and I cut my nerve to ribbons. One day I'm just going to have to dive off the edge.

I'm looking forward to that day.

-YogaLia