What Would Yoga Do?

Confession: I am a show-off. I have made this admission before, and while it may not be outwardly visible during my practice, it is definitely going on in my head, and especially when I'm taking from teachers I consider "fancy". I have these little imaginary dialouges wherein some teacher approaches me after class while I'm beautifically putting away my mat and says things like:

What a beautiful practice you have.

Who, me? Thank you. I just...you know, I just love it so much.

You're amazing. I couldn't stop watching you.

Thank you.

Would you like to follow me around and be my star pupil?

Well...gosh. Okay!

(And so on...)

I really thought that these kinds of fantasies were restricted to my acting life (like the one where the limo comes skidding to the side of the road and George Clooney rolls down the window and asks me to come with him right now to audition for the new movie he's producing) but apparently magical thinking has no boundaries...

Why did I bring this up? Ah yes...I brought it up to say that I am now attempting to use these flights of fancy as objects to work with in my practice. Meaning, if I feel myself concocting scenarios in which some teacher is deeming me Best In Class, instead of just pushing it out of my mind and declaring it un-yogic, I try to just...notice it. Just--aha, I'm doing that again. And I breathe. And I remind myself, gently, to return to the practice. I remind myself that my practice is for no one but myself, and I turn in and turn in and turn in. And you know something? It's working. I have been studying with so many new teachers these past few months and it has been the rare class in which I felt I was practicing half for myself and half for whomever might be watching.

The desire to be recognized is a strong and pernicious thing, don't you think? I don't know...maybe none of you have this problem...maybe your demons are other colors, but this is something I struggle with a lot. (Which, I'm certain, is why I chose to be an actor...the opportunities to wrestle with it being so plentiful). But I am once again just so grateful to have this space of my mat upon which to practice all the situations of my life. Because that's really what we're doing, isn't it? "Practice" isn't about the asana or the breath as much as it is about the practice of being with ourselves in all these states, and then practicing not getting carried away by them, and then practicing breathing through them, and then practicing standing at the center of all of them.

When I am really witness to that...the practice working on all these places where I am stuck...I feel like I have stumbled into some...mecca. I want to run up to sad-faced people on the street and ask them if they have found yoga yet? Sir! Have you accepted yoga into your heart? Do you know that yoga loves you? I am a mushy-minded convert.

That settles it...tomorrow I head to Mexico to start handing out bracelets that say WWYD. What Would Yoga Do?

Class: 4:00-5:45pm, "Cosmic Play", Edward.

Edward, though I'm a little intimidated by him sometimes, might possibly be the most innovative, creative, and all-around mind-blowing teacher I've had the chance to study with. This class--the one that (gulp) all the teachers take--is advanced and free-form and the music Edward plays always ROCKS!

I, mistakenly, put my mat in the front of the room for this class--there weren't many people and we were all asked to move up--and I had an hour and 45 minute wrestling match with my ego because of it. As such, I had the following realizations (while attempting to do one of the many one-handed inversions that Edward demonstrated with such wood-nymph-like precision):

1. I am nowhere near beyond the point where I want to be the "A" student in class--and this holds me back more than it motivates me.

2. The poses that are the most difficult for me are those which require either total abandon, total upside-down-ness, or total relaxation. This means handstand and forearm stand (in the middle of the room--I'm alright against the wall) dropping back into wheel and, yes, shavasana, are among those poses which give me major trouble.

3. The poses that I can not do, or won't allow myself to do, represent the culmination of struggles in other areas of my life, i.e., learning to let go--as these poses literally will not happen without my giving over to the pose and relinquishing my conscious ego-hold on getting it right.

4. I worry a lot about looking stupid. This one is a bit of a surprise to me, as I'm constantly looking stupid in front of big groups of people as an actor and auditioner, but also it makes total sense to me, as my biggest set-back as an actor is my inability to let go and trust my own instincts (see above).

5. I want to develop a practice that is more deeply and personally mine, so that I am not so easily thrown by this "how am i doing" head.

6. Watching people in that class glide from handstand into wheel and back into handstand, without making a sound or rippling the air makes my heart sing. I. Want. That.

7. Somersalts are awesome.

I will say that my alignment in all my inversions is improving a lot--I think I have the strength and balance and breath-work to be able to DO all of the poses I'm kind of fiddling around with right now: dropping back, handstand, etc...but my mind just takes over. I stand on the edge of the cliff and I just start staring at the water and the distance between me and the rocks, and all the possible miscalculations, and I cut my nerve to ribbons. One day I'm just going to have to dive off the edge.

I'm looking forward to that day.

-YogaLia