A Letter in Absentia...

Oh, teachers, lovely teachers of mine,

I really don't have too many requests.  I really am easily satisfied.  Make the class long, make it short...make it fast, make it slow...make it super inspire-ey or just talk about my shoulder-blades the whole time, it really doesn't matter to me.  I will, without question, be the one (usually in the front row...ugh.  I can't help myself.) who is laughing at your jokes and nodding at your insights.  So, I hope you won't mind if I ask you please just this one simple favor?

Please, please, please, don't make me feel badly about not coming to your class.  Oh my, I know...I knooooooow that sometimes your feelings do get genuinely hurt if I haven't been there for awhile, I know.  I know it would be easy for you to think it's because I don't like you anymore. And I know this because I have run across my own feelings of minor-betrayal and jealousy when a student who has been coming to class suddenly is no longer in class.  Oh, sure you've been on vaaaaacaaaaaaation.  I bet you have.  What did I do?  Was it that one time when I kept almost saying "breasts" instead of "breath"?  That's what sealed it for you, isn't it?!  Argh!! I'm a hack!

But, sweet teachers of mine, it's not, on my part, for lack of love.  It's not even, usually, for lack of practice.  (I suppose if you were the mister miagi to my ralph macchio and you knew that I had been slacking off and that's why you haven't seen me in weeks, okay, maybe then you'd be allowed to give me the stink-eye.)  But, the truth is that I'm busy, and I'm teaching, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell it means to have a home-practice, so making it to your class is a luxury!  A much-desired one. 

Please don't muck it up by giving me the judgy "I'm disappointed in you" face.

Some of you, my wiser teachers, might be out there saying to yourself, well, you know, I can't really MAKE you feel bad.  If you feeeeeel bad, it's probably because YOU feeeeeel bad.  And you would be right.  I know that I have my own "you're going to be mad at me" thing happening which probably doesn't help, but the truth is...there are certain teachers who I know, no matter how much time has passed between classes, will be as welcoming and as excited to see me as if I had been there the day before.

And there are certain teachers...who will not.

And that is who I'm addressing here...those of you out there who just can't help but feel affronted when a student disappears from you.  And who maybe feel that giving said student a bit of the cold-shoulder, a bit less of you, a bit more distance...will make the whole thing easier.  You won't open up so much to me, and so then, when I disappear again, it won't hurt quite as much for you.

Sounds pretty f-ing human.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately...partly for myself as a student (and my own upset at feeling like I've let people down, or hurt them, or fallen out of favor because of my absence), and partly for myself as a teacher, because I never want to make anyone feel this way. 

My larger self is going to take over the keyboard right now and say that, in my deepest depths, what I want for anyone in my class, is for them to find a place that is safe, and where they feel (as one of my mentors would say) that the yoga can be "lit up in them".  And if that's with me, that's great.  And if it's not with me, that's also great.

Of course we want to develop relationships with people in our classes, of course we do, but really (I'm coming to believe this more and more) our role at the front of that room is first and foremost to be keepers of a certain kind of space.  Our role is to cultivate safety and curiousity and equilibrium and all of the other things that the practice of yoga itself creates...in the space of our classrooms. 

And I don't know if we're able to do that AND make the judge-y face.

So, if you're out there, oh anonymous hurt-feelinged teachers...please know that I love you deeply.  And I WANT to be in your class.  I would never come back again, if that weren't the case.  So, please remember that, the next time I come in after some medium or long absence.  Because what I also need to learn from you...maybe more so than anything else...is how to love myself and the people around me, even when they aren't living up to my expectations. 

And I'm hoping that you can show me how to do that.

Lots of love,
YogaLia