Which One Is the Baby?

Why is a very pregnant woman writing a blog post at midnight?

For those of you who have ever been pregnant, or perhaps currently are, I hope that you will recognize/take solace in/have at least heard of the amazing, the inimitable...pregnancy mood swing. 

Ta da! Oh, the glory!

Details? You don't need details, trust me. You, like my dear exhausted husband, would want to bury your head in a pillow and/or search desperately for my "off" switch if I were to head down the road of details. And though I'm not keen on excusing bad behavior by trotting out the "hormones" as scapegoat, I do have to say that there is a fervor to the pregnancy melt-down that can only be chalked up to chemistry.

But, if a person were to Google, oh, say...third trimester and mood swings, said person would only find some very luke-warm write-ups on estrogen and progesteron and how asking for help with the dishes or eating a high-protein snack might just do the trick in turning that frown upside-down!  Ugh.

I have yet to come across an article that talks about how to wade through mind-numbing angst about life-purpose and career prospects and why it's hard to feel like you deserve all the relaxation and savoring that everyone is asking you to do while you're pregnant and goddess-like if you feel like you really don't have a whole lot going on in the work and money department and oh my god are you ever going to be able to make all of this work, post-baby, when you still feel like you have so FAR to go?!? (And P.S. Beyonce Knowles...are your billboards for your new HBO film, "Life is But a Dream", intended to make me feel even worse about all of this? Because really, I feel like you're doing it on purpose.)

But, no. I have never found that article. The one that reads:

"I'm Having a Baby and I Can't Stop Worrying about My Non-Existent Acting Career!", or;

"Pregnancy and Goal-Setting...a Recipe for Panic."

Or;

"How to Give Yourself a Goddamn Break and Just Enjoy Your Life Even Though You Sort of Feel Like Maybe You're Not the Focused Person You Thought You Were, But Rather a Bit of a Dilettante."

Or;

"Why Trying to Finish a New Draft of a Every Project in Your "Projects" Folder In the Next Seven Weeks Might Not Be a Great Use of Your Time, Preggo."

Or maybe, just:

"It's. All. Going. To. Be. Okay."

If I were to come across any of those articles I would be relieved, gratified...would feel in the bosom of my pregnant community.  But instead, most of the questions/comments and write-ups regarding pregnancy and mood-swings all seem to be stories of women yelling at their husbands because they put their candies in the freezer (no joke), or having four-alarm meltdowns about acne, or just generally describing themselves as "crazy BeYotches" (that's an exact quote)...during pregnancy.  These revelations do not give me any comfort.  I can not, will not, be reduced to calling myself a crazy BeYotch. Yo.

So, I guess it's up to me. I will write the article. The one about how pregnant women have mood swings about things other than just their pregnancy. About how even though the closer I get the more confident I get, in many ways, about my ability to be a mother, and the more excited I feel about actually meeting this little person who is curled up, as I write this, with her little feets under my ribcage... it is also true that the closer I get, the more I start to realize how much my life is about to change. And how much I don't know what that's going to mean, or feel like, or look like. And that it's sort of scary.  And that sometimes it makes me feel selfish and petty and like I don't want to let go of any of what is only me and mine. And that I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

(Or god, at least I hope not).

So, my fellow pregnant mommas, my fellow non-pregnant mommas, my fellow crazy BeYotches...(couldn't resist).  I'm here reporting from the trenches. I'm here to say that as miraculous and exciting and love-filled as so much of this pregnancy has been, there are also some parts that are just downright upsetting. And not just because the nursery isn't turning out the way you planned. And that it's okay. And that you're not alone. Which is good. Because it also means that I'm not. So, thank you.  Because, I needed that.

Where I Been, Where I Be, Where I Be Goin...

Enough said?

NOTE: This is not MY pregnant belly. This is a random internet image of a pregnant belly. I just liked it.

NOTE: I am, however, pregnant.

NOTE: It is, also in fact, a girl.

Oh, wow, you might be saying, that's great, did you just find out? Is that why we're only hearing about this now?

Um....

Weeeelll....

The truth is, I'm due soon. Increasingly sooner and sooner-er. Mid March, to be specific. So, no, I did not just find out. Have I been thinking about posting about it here for quite awhile? Yes. Have I been encouraged by others to write, in particular, about the pregnancy in this space? Yes, I have. Have I done any of that? No, I have not.

Oh, Shanti Towners...what can I even say for myself?

I will start with this...early on in the pregnancy I spent one tearful afternoon telling a very close friend (who is a new mother) all about how much trouble I was having getting work done...how I had made a commitment to myself this year to take my creative work more seriously and now, with the due date looming like a giant measuring stick (you must have gotten THIS much done in order to ride this ride), I was feeling...lost.  What exactly was I supposed to be focusing on? Where exactly was I supposed to be putting my energy? And who, for the love of ______, was I exactly, anyhow?

Said friend listened very politely to my struggle and then reminded me, as gently as possible, that I was currently involved in the biggest creative project of my life...the creation of another human being...and that it made sense that perhaps I did not feel like I had as much out in my output these days.

So I have allowed myself, Shanti Towners, a bit of a paring down, these last several months.  My creative energies have been going to projects outside of this blog, and that includes, in large part, to the creative project currently taking place in my belly. Hence the prolonged absence.

Which I can not promise you will not continue, but hopefully even the continued absence will be punctuated with some shouts and giggles from the other side.

As for now, as the due date moves closer, I find myself in the midst of a necessary shedding...a space-making, a time-taking, a head-clearing. Which sounds, I'm sure, very lovely and maybe even easy to some of you...but trust me, for this lady, it's not. It's not at all easy. It's confusing. And on certain days, it's hard to know exactly what I'm putting down, and for how long, and how and if and when exactly I will pick it back up again.

It is a time, for me, of learning (re-learning) how to trust the process.  What happens when you let something go? What happens when you trust that just because you're not actively worried about/working on/obsessing about something, it does not mean that something will disappear from your life or your heart? What happens when you give yourself space to just breathe and to be and to connect, whether or not you think you've "earned" it? What happens then? Does everything fall apart like your busy brain tells you it will...or does something else happen? Does something get clearer? Does anything?

For the moment...I'm not sure. But I'll let you know what I find out...

Until then, Shanti-Towners...sending you lots and lots of love...