Keeping It Alive...

First of all, I hope you all had wonderful Thanksgivings! Mine was pretty awesome--my brother and sister-in-law and my two (ferociously fast-growing) nephews came for a visit, which made me feel like the coolest aunt in town.  The picture above is of the two of them, and has nothing to do with this post, but has everything to do with how ADORABLE they both are.

Okay, that's my proud aunt plug. On now to other matters...

So, I'm teaching...have I mentioned that I'm teaching? And I'm teaching more and more...everytime I get a phone-call to teach a class I feel like I've been sprinkled with confetti (p.s. if you're in the LA area and you want to come to class, I've put a little schedule widget on the ol' blog-o-saurus, just look down and to your right.)  Anyhow, it's pretty awesome, taking that seat at the front of the class and just trying to blast off in the hopes that I actually have something useful to offer.

And one of the unexpected side-effects is the way in which my focus has shifted, as this practice that has for so long been purely for pleasure becomes attached to more things...to money and to schedule and to some question about larger purpose...I have quickly become faced with questions about how it is that we keep things interesting for ourselves?  In particular, how do we keep things interesting for ourselves when that demon RESPONSIBILITY newly becomes attached to what we are doing?

Now, let me just preface this by saying that I am not at the moment having any trouble with lack of interest...everything is too new and too much like living in a brand new house for that to be a problem.  HOWEVER, what I have noticed, even in these first few months of teaching, is that my newfound sense of accountability in a world where once there was none, can impact the JOY of my practice, if I'm not careful.

What I mean by that is, I find myself forgetting and then remembering that I am ONLY doing this because I love it.  And if the "love it" quotient gets overrun by results-driven thinking (hello, acting career)...well, excuse my language but it just wouldn't be f-ing worth it.  For whatever reason in this field of doing yoga and writing about yoga and now teaching yoga, I am unwilling to give up the joy of the practice.  Just...totally unwilling.  I have never been that wise as an actor...joy has been often the first thing sacrificed on the altar of "I. Want. This." So, BECAUSE I feel a bit wiser about all this (I did just turn 30, you know), and because more and more work seems to be showing up, and probably also because there is a deeply personal component to my practice, this idea--this question of how it is we keep things fresh and alive is one that's been on my mind lately.

And in all my thinking, the thing I've realized, and the thing which has been reflected back to me over and over again is this:  (It's so simple.  Why is it always so simple?!)

1. In order for anything to have any lasting impact in my life, it has to have consistency.

2. In order for there to be consistency, there has to be (gulp) discipline.

3. If I don't like doing something, I'm going to quit doing it eventually.  Therefore:

4. My JOY will, without effort, equal discipline. (I.e., if I like it, I won't quit.)

This has been the case with my yoga practice, with my eating habits, with my relationships...with my burgeoning meditation practice.  I mean, seriously, I have been trying to start a meditation practice for YEARS, and always I've quit.  Over and over and over again I've quit.  Do you know whyyyyyyy? Because I've been trying to do it right, and I've found it totally and utterly SUCKY because of that.  Finally, finally, finally I have what I can call a meditation practice--at least the beginnings of one--and do you know whyyyyyyy? Because I finally decided that if I wasn't enjoying the actual act of sitting on my cushion for those 15 minutes in the morning, as it occurred, then what in the world was the point? So I found a way in that actually made me FEEL GOOD while I was doing it. 

And, voila!  Not only do I have a practice, but I miss it when I don't do it.  I find myself actually looking forward to it on a daily basis.  Which is...new.

This is one of those secrets, it seems, that some people just know intuitively (you know who you are) and others of us have to learn by repeatedly making ourselves miserable with trying and not making any headway until finally we just toss our hands in the air and say "I give up! I just want a little happy mojo in my life!" and Blammo! Forward movement.

Because, in the joy of doing there is openness...there is curiousity...there is relaxation.  There are all of the things that we label as attributes of successful work and living.  But most of all, there is just a deep steady sense of being alive.  Of having purpose.  And THAT is the thing we're hoping all the hours of sitting or moving or loving or chowing down are going to get us anyway, isn't it?
There is just this fundamental practicality which is: enjoyment (true, deep, skin-tingling enjoyment) is the best recipe for not quitting.  I think it must be the food that will power feeds on.

That's a t-shirt saying if I ever heard one: "Joy.  It's the food that Will Power feeds on."

Oh my god, I will give a million dollars to anyone who makes that a t-shirt and sends it to me.*



* not really.

Discipline.

So, since I got back from my teacher training...my month long Yoga Extravagaaaaanzah, the question I keep getting asked the most is about discipline.  Namely how, now that yoga camp is over (tee hee), am I maintaining my home practice/mantra practice/sutra study/total crazy devotion here at home.

And it is a really really good question.

And it's a really really good question, because when I got back to LA, the thing happened that always happens, which is--I went right back to doing all the same stuff I always do but hadn't been doing during my month atop Mt. Yoga.  I went back to watching too much crappy television, to incessantly checking my blackberry, to stressing out about ridiculous stuff, to sleeping in and eating a little too much (just a little) and drinking wine and generally losing and regaining focus over and over throughout the day.

I also added some new stuff--like being engaged.  Which means promising not to make any solid plans for another month but spending time on wedding blogs anyhow, and talking to family, and gushing to friends, and dreaming and talking about the future.  And worrying about the future.  And gazing obsessively at my shiny new ring.

BUT!

(That's right...don't write me off yet...)

I have also...in the midst of all of that...managed to do the following:

Practice. Every. Single. Day.  Most days on my own mat, at home.  Because goddamnit I want to be a good teacher, and that is where I am going to teach from, so I am not letting that slide, alright?!

Meditate. (Almost.) Every. Single. Day.  Thank god for my mantra practice which has successfully fooled my brain into thinking we're not meditating, even when we are.  Sri Ram Jai Ram, yo.

Keep Teaching.  A lot.  I am giving it away for free all over town, and people are taking me up on it, and I am teaching and teaching and teaching.  And a few times it's been really great, and a few times it's been really sucky, and most of the other times it just feels...new. 

Keep reading and writing and thinking about my practice, about the kind of teacher I might like to be...about philosophy and asana and Lady Gaga.  Wait, oh....  Oops.  Does Vanity Fair not count as yoga reading material?  No...it counts.  I think it totally counts.  Lady Gaga is totally yoga.  I even have a future post planned which will be titled "Gaga for Yoga" or "The Yoga of Gaga".  Something.  Anyhow, she rocks.  She is, without question, so much cooler than I will ever even hope to be that I can't even feel inadequate next to her.  Because we're not even...we're not even the same species.  She's a neon pink giraffe with amazing eyelashes and I'm a...I'm like some kid's pet hamster.  So, you know, I can't really compare. 

Anyhow, I'm saving that for my Goga Yaga post.  Oooh! Maybe if I end up having a "yoga name" it could be Lady Goga! 

Wow.  I am so off topic.

What was this supposed to be about, again?  Yes, right.  Discipline.

Focus.

One-pointed-ness.

My POINT with all of this is to say that as much as I had fantasized, upon coming home, that I would still be spending 8-10 hours a day totally immersed in practice and study and and and (because that's how disciplined and enlightened I am)...the truth is that there is this other thing in my life, called life, and it needs its own room.  So I am discovering that discipline and devotion, in order to be successful, have to be flexible (pun intended). 

Yoga is really the first thing in my life that I've ever had a real discipline about.  I've been an actress forever, but I never woke up mornings and felt like "oh my god I have to make sure I'm acting everyday" in the way that I have always felt about yoga.  And so yoga is also the first thing in my life that has taught me what real discipline is...

And what I've discovered is that all it really is, is...doing the thing.  Just...doing the thing, over and over and over again.  Just returning, in this case to the mat, over and over.  No matter what.  And it doesn't mean that if you miss a day you have to start back at the beginning.  What it actually means is that if you miss a day, or a week, or a month...you come back.  You always just...come back.  And you don't freak out about it.

What actually makes discipline so elusive is that it's NOT summer camp...it's not an enforced structured 8-hours a day homework due at a certain time type situation...it's way more fluid than that, and it has to exist in your ACTUAL life.

So...how am I doing?

I'm waking up.  I'm practicing.  I'm doing a mantra.  I'm doing that nearly every day.  I'm trying to get to class.  I'm trying to read more, as much as I can.  And then I'm eating and I'm hanging out and I'm adoring and then complaining and then just saying screw it and having a glass of wine.  And I'm coming back.  And coming back.  And coming back.

Which would YOU rather be?

I told you that this would happen...

I'm going to talk now a little bit about my shins. Shins, shins, shins...where do I begin(s)? Um, okay, a quick and total bastardization of the alignment principles of Anusara is to follow here, so bear with me if you're unfamiliar, and if you ARE familiar, I apologize in advance.

I've been working on the back body, I told you that...I've been working on inner and outer spiral, I think I mentioned that (it is what it sounds like--and it's mostly used in reference to the thighs, as in, one should be spiraling IN and one OUT in a one-leg-forward one-leg-behind kind of position, and both should be spiraling either in or out together if you're in a standing or seated pose where the legs are together. Got it? Good. Congratulations, you're certified.) I'm kidding, of course, that is an utterly terrible explanation of inner and outer spiral but I still don't totally get it myself and I don't have tiiiiiime, people, I don't have the tiiiiiiiiiiime!!

Ahem. Anyhoooo...so, I've been working on the ol' spirals and have been newly trying to incorporate for the last several weeks something called: "Shins In". Which basically means that your shins should be moving...um...in.

Shins. In.

This was another one of those instructions where when I first heard it I was basically like, "yeah, okay buddy, 'shins in' no problem. Got it." (to be read with intense sarcasm). This was not an I don't understand that, that's too complicated moment for me, this was a that sounds duuuuuuuuuumb and I'm sure I don't really need to pay attention to that moment.

(Cue all of my Los Angeles yoga teachers clutching hearts and looking horrified).

So, yes, I was ignoring Shins In. Because I kind of thought I was probably already doing it, I mean, I'm standing there in a forward bend, you know, torso and head hanging over my straight legs, and my teachers are telling me to, um, move my "shins in", but I'm not supposed to actually MOVE my shins, I'm just supposed to, you know, energetically draw them in. So, yeah...yeah, I'm probably just doing that, naturally. Because, I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but I am very giiiiiiiiiifted at yooooooooooogaaaaaaah.

But all of this has changed! I have discovered Shins In! Well...what I've actually discovered is WHY we are asked to perform "shins in"...I'm sure I am far from having implemented it into my practice. But.

Here is the discovery in a nutshell:

A lady can hang over her own legs in two ways--she can be engaged, or she can be collapsed. And what I'm learning is that so much of the Anusara instruction: "hug to the midline!" "muscular energy!" "shins in!" "ankle loop!" "groins back!" is about building an engaged foundation...because if I'm NOT doing these things then what I'm doing, basically is just hanging over my legs. And if I'm just hanging over my legs, then probably, I don't know, I'm rolling slightly toward the outsides of my feet or my knees are splaying a little bit or I'm just collapsing all that heavy weight of my torso and my head smack down on top of my poor little hip flexors...and if all of that is happening then my hamstrings aren't being stretched correctly or safely and my low back and hips and knees and ankles are all at risk.

Basically I'm either like a drunk construction worker hanging over my legs or a lithe little ballerina hanging over my legs, and the thing that makes the difference is engagement. And in this case, in particular, the engagement of my shins. Because that little bit of energy directed to the shins sends a ripple affect of energy and attention all the way up and down my legs--reminding me to ground down, reminding me to engage.

It's funny, earlier this week I was listening to some recordings of some "spiritual teachers" (ick) that I love and I noticed something that each of them said that rang out as totally new, though I have definitely listened to these recordings before...both of them said something about how important it is not to be passive, but to be active...that we can't expect to see results from a bunch of loosey-goosey behavior, basically, and that actual progress and change requires focus and effort. So, as much as one might be hearing the instruction to let go or surrender...it is actually not possible TO surrender (i.e. hanging over ones legs), without engagement...focus and discipline.

I swear, I had NEVER heard that before...and it stuck out to me because it has been weeks full of conversations at my house about discipline and focus and how to find those things and how to use them. And what I realized that both of these teachers were saying...and what all of my yoga teachers are saying...and what also my dear wise better half at home is saying, is that you have to ENGAGE. You have to have to have to...you can hang over your legs all you want, but if you're not pulling in to that pose, if you're not hugging in to it from your pinky toes to the ends of your hair, you are missing something.

Learning to Sit...

I got up today determined to meditate...just like so many other days. I gave myself a pep talk in the shower about how important it is to start a mediation practice, about how I can't expect it to change my life instantly or anything (unfortunately) , but that it will be very good for me and that it will be a life-long practice and if nothing else it will help me get more open instead of more closed as I get older. My automatic internal rebuffs to this went as follows: I want radical change! There are plenty of people who meditate all their damn lives and are still just as messed up and neurotic as they ever were. I don't know how to do it right anyhow. I need a guru. How many times have I tried this and failed. Etc., etc., etc.

But I was good and strong and I ignored this whisper-voice and went ahead...

I pulled out my meditation cushions and lit my favorite jasmine-scented incense and my altar-candle and I looked at my little postcard with the pictures of Krishna and Shiva on it and I set my cellphone alarm to ring in 20 minutes and I sat my butt down. And, just like every other time, I got up from my cushion before the alarm rang, frustrated and tied up in knots. Ah, how relaxing!

Here now, I shall try to dissect why my meditation practice is, ahem, faulty.

1. Often I decide to sit while in the throws of some worry or another, thus using the meditation as an excuse to sit down and worry some more. But just to worry in spiritual language.

2. If I'm not in the throes of worry when I sit down, I tend to think that I'm supposed to solve some great bothersome woe while meditating--since my plan in the meditation is to become one with God, at which point I will reach enlightenment, at which point I will solve the great struggles of my life--which often leads me to skip the enlightenment part and head right to the problem-solving. See item #1.

3. I tell myself I don't have to follow any "structure", that my meditation is about freedom, man, and therefore I am really going to just sit and Be. However, since I am a person prone to worry (yes, I am, I admit it), and I don't actually have a lot of experience meditating (or just being, for that matter), I often slide quickly into neurosis, without any kind of structure to serve as safety-net. Again, see item #1.

4. As much as everything I've read tells me not to do this, I really want to have a big awakening experience while meditating. This is born of my very first few months meditating (lo, these many years ago), when I did feel like I was having a kind of enlightened experience every time I sat down to meditate. I attribute this to a kind of "beginner's mind"--not knowing what I was getting into, just falling into meditation, la-dee-da--but now the memory of this and the desire to return to it plagues me and makes my meditation a muscular experience, to say the least.

5. I am a big fan of things you can do every day, ritualistically, preferably ones that will make instantaneous changes in your life. I tend to read about things like this. I tend to have an on-going mental collection of things like this. Which makes it very hard to (a) choose which magic 10-minute a day miracle I'm going to devote myself to and (b) meditate.

6. I lack discipline. I do NOT lack discipline as a person. In fact, when I set my mind to something I can be incredibly focused and diligent. Take my yoga practice, for example: sure, I'll miss a few days here and there, but for the most part, I am on my mat. And I can feel and see on a daily basis, the benefits of that kind of discipline. However, I am most disciplined when either (a) there is great desperate survival-type need for discipline or (b) somebody else tells me what to do. Meaning: I am really good with "plans". I love plans. I want there to be a specially designed plan for me called "the 10 things to do everyday which, if I do them, will make me a happy and balanced and grateful person all day, every day". Where the hell is that plan? (Unfortunately, that plan is published in a million different forms in a million different sources in a million different ways, and I am overwhelmed by all the options.)

However, I do know that when it comes to something like meditating, discipline is key. I just have to make up my mind that getting into that seat for 10, 15, 20 minutes everyday is important to me, is something I want...and probably it wouldn't hurt if I made it a little easier on myself by not making it such a momentous thing every time I pulled out those cushions.