Breaking Through...

I am now a certified yoga teacher.  I am also now an engaged woman.  And nearly thirty (but that's a story for later).  I am back in Los Angeles, back taking class, trying now to build this new business, trying not to spend too many hours pouring over wedding porn, trying to maintain even a modicum of the devotion I was so steeped in over the last month in NYC...

It's a lot.  It's a lot. 

Going back to classes at Still, diving back into the deeper alignment work and the slow steady pace of classes there (none of the color and music and whirling-dervishness of Laughing Lotus), has been good--an opportunity to begin to digest all that's happened to me and all that I've learned since July. 

But yesterday, feeling a bit sad and distracted (what? I thought I was done with that!), I urged myself to class--knowing the caffeine hit of the room full of other practice-ers would do me some good--even though all I really wanted to do was treat myself to an extended lie-down on my mat in the middle of my sunny breezy living room.

Okay, but first, please don't laugh--lately I've been often (and shame-facedly) consulting these native american "medicine cards" that I got as a gift (I know! I know!)--especially when I'm feeling a little out of focus--just as a tool to give me something to think on, or, if I'm lucky, to flip my thinking totally on its head.  And yesterday morning I drew one with the intention that I'd use it as inspiration for my home practice, just a little something extra to meditate on.  But to my great dismay, the card I drew was "Action".  It was all about some animal I've never heard of and how action is the recipe if you've drawn this card.  But I, feeling quite nap-ish, and also a little sad, was completely convinced that this card could not mean what it said it meant--I had no desire to have an active practice, so how was I supposed to meditate on ACTION?  My then-tender monkey-mind immediately decided that this must be some kind of (probably bad) omen about an action I'm supposed to be taking but haven't, and I spent the next 20 minutes rolling around on my mat, worrying about what it is I'm supposed to be doing, but not.

Fun!!

And so by the time I dragged my sorry little butt to class I was feeling a little, well...picked on.  (That same pernicious bully is at it again!).   But the class was happily rigorous and as it ALWAYS happens when I am forced by sheer physical demand to pull myself up from the depths I was immediately cheered.  "Why don't I remember this?"  I asked myself.  "Why do I always think that indulging a worry is going to be more helpful than doing some...I don't know...sit ups?!"  The relief is so immediate and so visceral and the ah-ha is like that of a person who has just learned that the quickest way to stop the burning in her fingers is to REMOVE her HAND from the STOVE.  So, blah blah this came, this relief...and the class progressed...and handstands were down and backbends and all kinds of friendly stuff, all going along swimmingly, until we get to the...

HANUMANS.

Yes, hanumans.  Plural. 

Now, I've talked about my difficult relationship with hanuman before (these are the splits, for those of you squinting at the sanskrit)...and it has not improved.  In fact, lately, even attempting hanuman makes me want to burst into tears.  And for that reason I have not been attempting it.  At all.  For weeks.

So, the first round of hanumans come and I am pathetically far from the ground.  My hamstrings are whining, I'm shaking...partly from aggravation and partly from exertion.  I'm annoyed at all the women (and a few men) who slip right into it.  "Don't you know!?" I want to scream, "don't you KNOW how hard this is".  It all lasts too long, but I make it through, thankfully.

We are instructed back into downward dog.  And then right back into hanuman on the first side again.  I am livid.  AGAIN?!  My god.  I am only mildly plused to see that I'm a teensy bit closer to the ground this time.  Mainly I'm just trying to stave off the waves of sick emotion rolling through me.  Get me out of this get me out of this get me out of this.  Again, it lasts too long, but again, I make it.

We are instructed back into downdward dog.  I am impressed with myself for surviving.  And then we are instructed back into hanuman on the first side.  AGAIN.  I am--I'm a little stunned. I have NEVER done three hanumans in a row.  Ever.  But apparently this 3rd round is just absurd enough for my body that something...changes.  Because I give up.  I surrender.  And I feel myself "drop" into my body, as if prior to then I had been hovering somewhere just above my own wobbly form, lamenting my misfortune.  The difference is palpable.  I'm relaxed.  I'm okay.  I could stay--maybe I could even do another round.  And just then the teacher, from the front of the class, who has not said much to me up to this point, calls out:

"Great, Lia.  I see that.  You've broken through something.  Do you feel that? You stopped fighting it."

And I felt a hot flush rise to my face as he said it...was it that obvious?  But of course it was.  And it was true--I had been fighting and fighting and fighting, until it became clear the fight was futile, and so had thrown up my hands in surrender.  And quick as you know, in had marched sweet relief.

And I thought about the stupid "Action" card I had drawn that morning and how totally convinced I was that action didn't mean what it said it meant--didn't mean real honest to goodness concrete physical action--no, it must have meant something grander, something more esoteric, more existential.  And I realized in that moment that of course it had meant exactly what it said it meant.  It meant DO. It meant that sometimes getting IN your body and IN your life is a much quicker route to relief than all that mucking around in the mind.

It's so ridiculously simple, the edict to just "do", and I have so often in my life been the kind of person who wants to make sure all my internal messes are cleaned up before I take to any kind of action--though I have learned over and over again that those messes will never be clean, and I could end up waiting forever--but still I have been reluctant to believe it could be as easy as all that. 

But I am getting older...and my life is getting bigger...and I am beginning to see that if I want to break through whatever layers within still sometimes pin me down, I am going to have to act.  To just continue to do, no matter what.  Not because there is some magical action that will solve all my problems, but because to engage with the world often IS the solution. 

More Graduation Pics...

Me and Yeva, waiting our turn...

Starting the walk down the blanket runway...

Here comes the grad...

Hugging Dana (cosmic ma #1)

Hugging Ali (cosmic ma #2).  That's Ruth over there to the left, toweling herself off after her baptism...

Graduation. The rememberence.

Okay.  It's happened.  I'm back...and I'm certified.  Thank you all for your patience while I managed to slog out only the occasional update...it was such a demanding month and I have barely caught my breath.  I flew in late on Weds night and am just now starting to feel my feet on the ground.  But I am so so excited to start teaching, I can barely stand it.  I'm including here my post-graduation journal entry for your enjoyment...

(we are all doing the "wow" mudra, which Dana learned in China, and has been cracking us up with for days...)

  Friday, 8/13 - Graduation.

Beautiful.  We celebrated at a rooftop pool and accepted our diplomas at the end of a walkway made of beach towels stretching nearly to the edge of the pool.  It was a graduation-slash-baptism, which meant some of my fellow graduate-ees pulling off clothes and diving into the barely deep enough pool.  (Yeva's shimmy-off of her fitted button-down black dress to reveal a tasteful boy-shorts bikini underneath was so unbearably, unknowingly sexy that even the ladies were blushing.  Yeva is from Canada and she's 24 and a dancer and has one of those faces that just makes me melt.)  I, on the other hand, stuck my piggy toes in the pool and then declared, "I'll do it like the Christians!" took water in my hand and sprinkled it over my own head, at which Dana (the big boss) hollered out, "You're blessed! You're blessed!".

Then there were cupcakes eaten (vegan ones, and not so vegan ones), final exams looked at (I scored a 95%, though I still think I deserved a 97%...heh heh.)  Paul brought me 2 dozen red roses and dutifully stood off to the side as I raced around hugging and kissing every one, especially my girls--Ruth, with whom I have fallen into deep friendship love and only ever want to hold her hand and giggle at her, and Yeva (the beautiful), who has eyes that sparkle and crinkle so deliciously I just want to dive into them--Heather, who has the greatest crooked smile and who I will always remember for her deep deep hatred of all things Kundalini, and, Shani--crass, hilarious, soft-hearted and oft-misunderstood Shani--her friendship and study-buddy-ing was the thing that kept me sane and smiling throughout all of love skool.

I will miss my girls!

Then there were performances--all heartfelt, some practiced and some not, and Shani MC-ing off the cuff, which was all hilarious except for one joke about tabloids, which she was a bit miffed about after it got a less than enthusiastic response by the up-til-then boisterous crowd (though I reassured her that it just wasn't for the yoga audience and after all how else was she going to test out new material?).  I closed the whole evening with a call-and-response of my new favorite chant:

GURU BRAHMA,
GURU VISHNU,
GURU DEVO MAHESHWARAH
GURU SAAKSHAAT PARAM-BRAHMA,
TASMAI SHRI GURUVE NAMAH

which is basically a big ol' thank you to all the teachers in your life, especially the one within, and then topped it off with an english-only verse of my own creation, which gave specific thanks to the teachers at the Lotus.  And it seemed to draw us together for these last couple "timeless moments", about which Dana later complimented me on, citing my ability to create intimacy--music to my ears.  Especially from her--as she is frighteningly honest and alive, and any word from her (especially a complimentary one) is just...oh, sigh!

And then goodbyes, which were hard.

Very, very, very hard.

I have had the sweetest, deepest, most transformative month of my life (big words, I know...but true), and I can not wait to see what's next.

Procrastination Station

Oh my lovelies...

I should NOT be posting right now.  I should definitely be doing one of many other things...things like:

Sleeping.

Eating more of the dark chocolate covered almonds with turbinado sugar and sea salt that have become my addiction since coming to yoga school (and my replacement for wine, coffee, meat and sex. Thank you, Trader Joe's).

Doing homework.

Doing more homework.

Studying for my finals.  That's right, finals.

Reading more about my assigned Sutras.

Showering, so I don't have to do it in the morning, so I can sleep more.

Making food for tomorrow, so I don't have to do it in the morning, so I can sleep more.

Meditating.  Just...because.

But, no, Shanti-towners, I have been lacking lately as the captain of this blog-ship (the good ship shanti-town) and I am going to post, damnit, even if it means my hair goes dirty and my tummy goes empty!  (Not actually.... If I don't eat and try to do 8 hours of asana I will kill someone.)

My time in yoga school is coming to a close, very soon.  Next week is mainly prep for finals and then finals and then I graduate, a week from tomorrow...and I. Can't. Believe it.

Today I spent much of our morning lecture quietly weeping because I just don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to these people and this experience...it has been so intense and we have been through a lot together in these three weeks, and all of my teachers here have just been so incredibly inspiring...

Anyhow, blah blah.  I'm not going to do that right now.

What I will say is that this has been an AMAZING experience so far...I am riding high from all of it, and am not surprised that I love the many hours of asana and love all the nitty-gritty about the chakras and ayurveda but I am a little surprised that I am finding myself even more in love with the Yoga Sutras and the Bhagavad Gita--who knew I'd be a text nerd?  I just can't get enough of it...the poetry and mysteriousness of the ancient texts...I'm currently in such a yoga cloud that I'm actually contemplating learning Sanskrit.

Svadyaya, yo!

Anyhow.  I can't wait to get into more detail about all of it for y'all...for now, just know I'm thinking of you...and wish me luck on finals!!


xo
YogaLia

High Compliment!

I was totally blown away this evening when checking out the world-wide-interweb for the first time in 2 weeks and stumbled upon this: Top Ten best yoga websites and articles on the web.

I LOVE this site and I am so flattered and honored to be included in this top 10.  Please check it out and check out some of the other awesome yo-go-blog-o's also listed...Yoga Lunchbox has great taste (yes, that was a compliment aimed at me-self).

Yay, Shanti-town!

(I guess this means I'll have to start friggin' posting again.  Um...oops.)

A Day in the Life of a Yoga Teacher Trainee...

5:00AM - Wake up.  Reluctantly.  Become immediately suspicious about it still being 80 degrees out, even at five in the morning.

5:15AM - Actually get out of bed, again, reluctantly.  Make some sort of caffeinated beverage.  Vow not to feel bad for having coffee, as no one should have to get up this early and not be allowed coffee.

5:30AM - Chant "Sri Ram Jai Ram" 108 times.  There is no making this cooler than it is, so get over it people, I'm a yogi.  And now I'm a yogi with a mantra.  (That definitely needs to be an action adventure movie tag-line. "She was a yogi...with a maaaantra.")

6:00AM - Start my home practice.  This usually starts with some perturbed pacing around, as my body is in full-on refusal mode about being asked to move at 6AM.  But, eventually I kneel down on the mat and begin. 

7:00AM - Cold shower.  (This is not for any reason more exciting than that my body temperature from the constant heat and physical activity is so high the cold water doesn't even phase me.)

7:30AM - Make food for the day--this usually means an apple, some carrots and hummus and some sort of rice concoction.  Did I tell you I'm going vegetarian...finally?  Aw yeeeeeah! You're welcome, animals everywhere.

8:00 - Leave house, loaded down with books and food and notebooks.

9:00AM - 5:00PM - Learn to teach yoga, learn Sanskrit, learn anatomy, learn restorative  yoga, learn kids yoga, take Kundalini workshop, learn twists, learn inversions, learn standing poses, learn the sutras, learn the koshas, learn the doshas, learn the yamas, learn the niyamas, learn the eight limbs, laugh, eat some food--but not very much, get exhausted, cry a little bit--or want to, take notes, chant, dance around, laugh, explode.

5:30 - 7:00PM - Maybe a study meeting.  Maybe a mentor meeting.  Maybe a class.

7:30 - 10PM - Do homework.  Lots of it.  Be frustrated by how much homework there is.

10PM - Chant "Sri Ram Jai Ram" 108 times, if I can stomach it.

10:30PM - Go to bed.  Fall into a deep, exhausted but happy sleep.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

It has BEGUN.

 Okay, I know, I know...here I am in freakin' YOGA SCHOOL, you would think that this blog would be jam-packed with goodies and insights and funny stories, but the truth is, I am EXHAUSTED.

Truly.  Truly.

I started on Friday night with a class and then a several hour orientation, in which we played introduction games (ugh), did some chanting, met our mentors (more on that later), heard some stories, got our super-special "Lotus College of Yoga" binders (that's right, college.  I'm in Yoga College, yo.) and got to take a look at our truly terrifying schedule, which I will describe in more detail later.  All in all, totally exhilirating and inspiring...just to be back in my beloved NY studio, which I have missed so dearly, and to be embarking on this adventure with teachers I love and adore...it's too good to be true.

And then we jumped right into the fire.

Today and yesterday were 8 hour days...I can't even begin to tell you how much new information is currently swimming around my skull, seeking out a resting place.  Both days have been scary and exciting and passion-filled--what a total gift it is to be taught by people who are so passionate about what they do--and who approach teaching truly, truly, truly as an ART form.  We have talked about Picasso and Proust and Twyla Tharp and a myriad of others--we have talked about inspiration in the form of poetry and painting and music and architecture--all of the things that make me fall in love with this practice over and over again for its openness and universality and deep creative potential.

And we've talked, of course, about moving. And the body.  And the breath.  And what it means to teach...which I still have not wrapped my head around.

But if you think 8 hours a day/5 days a week is a lot...it's not even the tip of the YS iceberg.

First of all, this week, we're going 7 days...friday to friday, and then all the rest of the weeks will be weekends off (hallelujah!).  Second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth of all...in addition to our class time we are also required to:

Attend two additional (1.5 hour) classes/week.

Write about those classes, and turn in write-ups on a weekly basis.

Keep a daily journal. (Does a blog count?)

Maintain a daily personal yoga practice which explores and incorporates everything we've been learning.  (this part is no joke...our personal practice is getting a lot of emphasis and it is where we're supposed to be doing the deep learning, and there will be no fudging on the at-home practice.)

Complete weekly written homework--also no joke--this is hours-worth of written and exploratory work every week.

Meet with a mentor group every week.

Meet with a study-buddy every week.

Be vegetarian.  (um.... oops.)

Did I leave anything out?  Sleep.  Eat.  Make occasional phone calls home to boyfriend.  I think that about covers it.

So...please forgive me if I'm not as vocal here in Shanti-town as I want to be...I will do my best to keep you all updated, but just know in the meantime that I'm thinking of you...and sweating.



Um, did I mention it's 11,000,000 degrees out in New York right now?