Why Perfection Ain't It...

I have some breaking news, I hope you're all sitting down...

I.  Am NOT.  Perfect.

I just found this out myself pretty recently and believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are.  But get this!!  Not only am I not currently perfect, but I will NEVER be perfect.  (This is the one that really knocked me for a loop...).

But folks, here's what I've been slowly discovering, about this whole "perfection" thing:  If you believe you either a. can achieve perfection, b. are destined to achieve perfection and therefore c. MUST achieve perfection, you will tend to feel...DISAPPOINTED ALL THE TIME.

I was in a class the other day, one of the extra-long "practice" classes, where the teacher practices along with the students and, depending on the teacher, goes yoga pose ca-ra-zay...and in this particular class, with this particular energetic (and lovely) teacher, I was BY FAR the least capable student in the room.  There were, just, oodles of poses I couldn't even attempt, but which everyone else could, and did...and my first response was a feeling of being...affronted.

How DARE they all be able to do these poses I don't know how to do...don't they know who I aaaaaaaam?!  I am one of the lucky few who drives herself to distraction with the deep ceaseless drive for perfection!!  No, better even...I am one of those rarefied ones who knooooows deep in her heart that she is destined for perfection and so deserves any present day misery in service of the larger goal, and how dare you screw that up by proving me to be only (argh!)...oooooordiiiiinaaaaaary!

And I remembered how the last time I took an acting class I had this feeling...this feeling that I was not (god forbid) the BEST in the class and that my imperfection was being displayed for all to see, and how just tormented I was by it.  And I remember that I was cleaning a bathroom one night after class, just scrubbing and ruminating, when this thought occurred to me...

"If I didn't think that I am supposed to always be the very best at everything I do...if I didn't HAVE to be best in class...what would happen?"

And I realized that I would be...well, I would be the actress that I actually AM.  That maybe instead of being ashamed and disappointed that I was not living up to my own expectations of total f-ing perfection, maybe I would actually be able to see IN REALITY what my strengths and weaknesses are.

And if...if I look at those actual strengths and weaknesses and I (horror of horrors) turn out to be just...human.  Just a woman with a career and a family and a...life.  Then what?  Does that mean I don't count?  If I don't turn out to be a world-changing media-shaking titan (which, I have to say, since I'm nearly 30 and have like $2 in the bank, doesn't exactly seem EMINENT)...what, I'm just going to be disappointed my whole life?  Not just disappointed, but robbed of my present day experience because none of it "measures up"?!  Never knowing or being able to feel good about the place I'm currently standing in?

And I went back to that class, determined to be my imperfect self, and things turned around for me.  I became...with myself.  And my work got better.  And the praise I wanted, the feeling of satisfaction I wanted, the feeling that good work was being done...all came, effortlessly.

And I watch myself in yoga classes now, and I watch my students in class with me when I teach, and I see how often (even though it's not supposed to be part of the game) there is this sense of embarrassment when we can't do something...like if only not for that, no one would know we're not perfect.  Or at least WE wouldn't have to be faced with it.  And that's just...missing the bigger picture. 

Because, no matter what it is...how we are as an artist or a partner or a mother or a child, I think it's all just an opportunity for us to experience ourselves and our lives as they actually are and not, as so many of us seem to use them for, one more opportunity to measure ourselves against our own impossible standards.

So, Shanti-towners, go out there and be imperfect!! Let your average flag fly!!  You might just notice yourself breathing a big sigh of relief...

xo
YogaLia

Don't Be Scaaaaaaaared.

Okay, this is definitely a side note to what will be the bulk of this post, but I've been watching some boob-tube this evening (pun intended) and is anyone else as horrified as I am by the Victoria's Secret models in lingerie proclaiming kitten-like, "I love my body." while they squirm around and make kissy-faces. I mean, is that supposed to be ironic? Or am I supposed to think that it's the BRA that makes THOSE women love their body? It's not because, oh I don't know...they're VICTORIA'S SECRET MODELS?!?! Sorry...I just...seriously.

Ahem.

So, on to the point. I've been teaching. Mainly I've been teaching privately, as I'm giving out free introductory sessions in LA to friends and family so I can get my teach on, and a small class at a condo in Culver City...and I've been noticing this interesting trend amongst a lot of the folks that I've been teaching:

First of all, most of my students don't have a ton of experience in group classes and many of them express the same trepidation when they talk about yoga:

"I don't want to go to class because I don't want to be the only one who can't do anything."

And some of these students are, sure, injured or feel like they're not in tip-top shape, but some of them, MOST of them, are young and strong and healthy and have no reason to feel...inferior. In any way. Certainly not in a YOGA class. One of my students, who is a runner and in great shape and has a lot of natural grace asked me after our session, "am I the worst student you've ever had?"

The answer was of course NO, not by a long shot, but it was also NO and I would NEVER think of students in that way! That is not the deal with yoga! Yoga is about the opposite of that. It is about the eradication of that "oh no I'm bad at this" way of measuring progress.

But do you know whhhhhhhhy these students feel this way? It's not in their imagination. They didn't just make it up. It's because they've BEEN to classes somewhere and they've been made to feel, for whatever reason, that they were totally out of their league.

And maybe in some cases it's because they went to a class that wasn't the right level for them...but maybe it's just because they went to a class labeled "basics" that was far from it. Or maybe it's because they ended up at a clique-y studio where the teacher played favorites and made them feel out of the loop. Or maybe they tried to use a block to help them in class (this happened to a friend of mine) and the teacher came over and TOOK IT AWAY and said to her, "blocks are for old people and injured people."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Hold on. I'm collecting myself so that I don't go track down that teacher and kick him in his stupid head.)

Anyhow, my point is, I feel like there's this whole population of people who are interested in yoga but have been scared off in one way or another, and I just...where are the classes for them? Where are the classes for people who aren't "yogis", who don't feel like they have a natural affinity, who need some truly basic instruction in an environment free from judgment? Where do you go if you want to learn but you don't want to feel like "new kid" is tattoed on your forehead?!

I remember several years ago I wanted to take a dance class, and I had some ballerina friends who were like, "oh go here...take this beginner's ballet class at this great studio, you'll love it." And so I did. I showed up, and one of my ballerina friends introduced me to the teacher and told her I was new and she looked at me and said, "Great. What kind of dancer are you?"

And I said, "Oh. Um...I'm not a dancer."

And she said, "You're--you've never taken ballet?"

And I nodded and said, "In fact, I've never taken dance. Period." And, she seemed a little nervous about this, which made me REALLY nervous, and then when class began I immediately understood why. It's because a "beginning" ballet class at a dance studio in downtown New York is not for people who haven't taken dance since they were in preschool. It's for dancers. It's for modern dancers who want to try ballet, or for ballet dancers who have taken some time off and want a refresher course. It was, for sure, not for me.

I tried. I tried to leap around and stand on my toes, but really I just had to give in to being totally humiliated and feeling like a fat graceless slob compared to my classmates. Which I did, for a few weeks, but then I quit. Because I didn't want to feel that way. And I think that's how people feel when they go to a yoga class...they might hang in for a few weeks, but if they feel like they're miles behind everyone else, there's no way they're going to stick it out.

It's both frustrating for me to see this big GAP in the way yoga as a popular practice is taught in the west, but it's also sort of exciting for me, as a teacher. To be able to work one-on-one with people and begin to build a foundation with them so that maybe they CAN go to a class and feel like they're swimming in the same pool as everyone else. It's cool. It's gratifying.

And this is totally a stretch, but maybe my Victoria's Secret model rant at the beginning of this post wasn't actually so off topic...because, not everybody wants a bra that's made for a lingerie model...most of us can't even begin to relate to something marketed for a squirming vixen. Some of us want a bra made for adorable girls with bellies. Some of us want to watch the Dove Real Beauty commercials over and over again.

Which means, I guess, that as a yoga teacher I'm not interested in being Victoria's Secret. I'm very happy being Dove. Or...um...Hanes Her Way?

B.K.S You Can!

Okay, so, I know this really pushes the ol' yoga practice into the drum-circle-in-the-woods vibe, but if you take a sec to watch this video, just please raise an impressed eyebrow at the gracefulness of his transitions!! Hello B.K.S., will you be my yoga hero?

Discipline.

So, since I got back from my teacher training...my month long Yoga Extravagaaaaanzah, the question I keep getting asked the most is about discipline.  Namely how, now that yoga camp is over (tee hee), am I maintaining my home practice/mantra practice/sutra study/total crazy devotion here at home.

And it is a really really good question.

And it's a really really good question, because when I got back to LA, the thing happened that always happens, which is--I went right back to doing all the same stuff I always do but hadn't been doing during my month atop Mt. Yoga.  I went back to watching too much crappy television, to incessantly checking my blackberry, to stressing out about ridiculous stuff, to sleeping in and eating a little too much (just a little) and drinking wine and generally losing and regaining focus over and over throughout the day.

I also added some new stuff--like being engaged.  Which means promising not to make any solid plans for another month but spending time on wedding blogs anyhow, and talking to family, and gushing to friends, and dreaming and talking about the future.  And worrying about the future.  And gazing obsessively at my shiny new ring.

BUT!

(That's right...don't write me off yet...)

I have also...in the midst of all of that...managed to do the following:

Practice. Every. Single. Day.  Most days on my own mat, at home.  Because goddamnit I want to be a good teacher, and that is where I am going to teach from, so I am not letting that slide, alright?!

Meditate. (Almost.) Every. Single. Day.  Thank god for my mantra practice which has successfully fooled my brain into thinking we're not meditating, even when we are.  Sri Ram Jai Ram, yo.

Keep Teaching.  A lot.  I am giving it away for free all over town, and people are taking me up on it, and I am teaching and teaching and teaching.  And a few times it's been really great, and a few times it's been really sucky, and most of the other times it just feels...new. 

Keep reading and writing and thinking about my practice, about the kind of teacher I might like to be...about philosophy and asana and Lady Gaga.  Wait, oh....  Oops.  Does Vanity Fair not count as yoga reading material?  No...it counts.  I think it totally counts.  Lady Gaga is totally yoga.  I even have a future post planned which will be titled "Gaga for Yoga" or "The Yoga of Gaga".  Something.  Anyhow, she rocks.  She is, without question, so much cooler than I will ever even hope to be that I can't even feel inadequate next to her.  Because we're not even...we're not even the same species.  She's a neon pink giraffe with amazing eyelashes and I'm a...I'm like some kid's pet hamster.  So, you know, I can't really compare. 

Anyhow, I'm saving that for my Goga Yaga post.  Oooh! Maybe if I end up having a "yoga name" it could be Lady Goga! 

Wow.  I am so off topic.

What was this supposed to be about, again?  Yes, right.  Discipline.

Focus.

One-pointed-ness.

My POINT with all of this is to say that as much as I had fantasized, upon coming home, that I would still be spending 8-10 hours a day totally immersed in practice and study and and and (because that's how disciplined and enlightened I am)...the truth is that there is this other thing in my life, called life, and it needs its own room.  So I am discovering that discipline and devotion, in order to be successful, have to be flexible (pun intended). 

Yoga is really the first thing in my life that I've ever had a real discipline about.  I've been an actress forever, but I never woke up mornings and felt like "oh my god I have to make sure I'm acting everyday" in the way that I have always felt about yoga.  And so yoga is also the first thing in my life that has taught me what real discipline is...

And what I've discovered is that all it really is, is...doing the thing.  Just...doing the thing, over and over and over again.  Just returning, in this case to the mat, over and over.  No matter what.  And it doesn't mean that if you miss a day you have to start back at the beginning.  What it actually means is that if you miss a day, or a week, or a month...you come back.  You always just...come back.  And you don't freak out about it.

What actually makes discipline so elusive is that it's NOT summer camp...it's not an enforced structured 8-hours a day homework due at a certain time type situation...it's way more fluid than that, and it has to exist in your ACTUAL life.

So...how am I doing?

I'm waking up.  I'm practicing.  I'm doing a mantra.  I'm doing that nearly every day.  I'm trying to get to class.  I'm trying to read more, as much as I can.  And then I'm eating and I'm hanging out and I'm adoring and then complaining and then just saying screw it and having a glass of wine.  And I'm coming back.  And coming back.  And coming back.

No She Can't!

I was in class the other day with a perfectly fit, perfectly young, perfectly punk rock young woman who literally had an outloud reason for why she couldn't do EVERYTHING.  Including such gems as:

"That gives me rug burn"

"I'm clumsy"

"If anyone is going to break their neck doing that, it's me"

Etc., etc., etc.

It was so overt and so constant that I couldn't help but hobnob with the teacher afterwards about how often this girl sent up the "I can't do that" cry (seeing as how now I am also a *gasp* teacher, and I'm interested in dishing about how such things could and ought to be handled.  And I also just have sort of a gossip streak...) and the teacher just shrugged and said:

"Yeah.  It's her mantra."

And I just...yummy...I just LOVED this, because it was so very very true.  The "I can't do it" mantra.  Nearly as powerful, if not more so, than the "I don't want to do it" mantra, the "I'm no good at that" mantra, and my personal favorite, the "I don't deserve that" mantra.

They are powerful, those little sound loops in our head, but also (thankfully) totally within our control...

(or so they say)...