Sukha Dukha or, How Good Is Your Axle Hole?

A friend/fellow teacher and I were talking after class the other day about repeated patterns of behavior...specifically negative repeated patterns of behavior...specifically negative mental repeated patterns of behavior, and I shared with her one of my favorite analogies on the subject: 

A friend of mine, the maker-upper of said analogy, once told me that she thought of her mind as being full of different roads--like little thought-roads--and that down one of these roads there was a giant pothole.  And every time she drove down that one road in her head, she got stuck in that same pothole.  She knew it was there.  She knew she always got stuck in it, and yet...over and over again she found herself going that same old way.  Maybe this time that pothole's been paved over!  Maybe this time I'll be able to swerve to the side and avoid it!  But no matter what she told herself, no matter how long it had been since she'd last been down that road, no matter what...she always got stuck.  And what she finally figured out, she told me, was that she just had to learn to take a different road.

(Sigh.  I love that analogy, so much.  I have potholes in my head, too!!)

And later that same night, as I was preparing for the class that I would be teaching that evening, I started to think again about the pothole conundrum.  And I started to wonder, not just about why it's so hard to break patterns, but why, when there ARE so many roads to choose from, why is it so seductive to choose the one with the giant hole in the middle of it?  I thought about my own life, and about how much good I have, particularly at this moment--my relationship with my soon-to-be future-husband which is, without question, one of the greatest gifts of my life, my upcoming wedding, my friends, my family, my yoga, my health (I could go on and on)--and how even with all that I can still find myself, in certain moments, putting my entire focus on the ONE (or maybe two or three) things that don't meet with my approval.  And I just drive and drive and drive over them, digging that pesky pothole ever deeper.

And what came to me, in the midst of all my wondering were two things: Sukha and Dukha.

Sukha and Dukha, other than being two of the coolest Sanskrit words evah, and by far the funnest to say together (sukhadukha!) mean respectively, the sweetness (the sukha) and the not-so-sweetness (the dukha) of life. 

Sukha and Dukha are like Sanskrit blood-brothers.  You rarely hear one mentioned without the other.  And that's because, you just can't have the sweet without the not-so-sweet.  How would you even know what the sweet was, if there wasn't a little bitter to back it up and prove that, yes indeed, this thing here, this is a saweeeeeet thing? 

And I started thinking about those mind-roads--and how that pothole-d road is definitely the Dukha, that pesky bumpy trail--and it occurred to me, upon some consideration, that the problem is not that the Dukha exists, the problem isn't that I HAVE a road with a pothole in it...the problem is that I think that I'm NOT supposed to have a road with a pothole in it.  I think it's all supposed to be Sukha. Sans pothole.  And if I think it's all supposed to be Sukha, then that means that the mere presence of Dukha is a problem.  And if the mere presence of Dukha is a problem, then I'm going to want to do everything in my power to rid roads of potholes.  I'm not even going to worry about those sweet Sukha-full, pothole-free roads...those roads are fine, I can get to them later.  What I'm going to be worried about, keeping myself up nights about, is when that damn Dukha is finally going to get filled in, paved over and disappeared from my mental freeway.

And hence, the problem.

Because that way of thinking is wrong, people.  It is just plain wrong.  Life is not only Sukha, and it's not meant to be only Sukha.  It's not even as fun to say, all by itself!  It's Sukha/Dukha.  It's both.  Because if there were no Dukha...if it didnt' feel AWFUL to be stuck in that pothole...how would I ever know not to drive down that road?  I might just be stuck there forever, enjoying the view and waiting for my totally-at-a-stand-still-and-I-don't-even-know-it-because-I-can't-feel-the-Dukha-in-my-life, life to come to an end!!

Also, and as a totally nerdy side-note, Sukha, this word which means the sweetness of life, originally meant "good axle hole".  Meaning, back in the ol' horse and cart days, that if you had Sukha, you had a well-built cart that could provide you with a nice smooth ride.  And Dukha, the not-so-sweetness of life, it meant "bad axle hole".  Meaning, if you had some Dukha going on, that your cart was going to be bumping all over the place.

Hmmm.  Perhaps very much like what it would feel like to drive down a roooooad covered in potholes?

So, yes, of course, we don't want to be getting stuck in mental potholes all the time, yes, of course, it's probably a good idea to find another road.  But how much easier might it be, to choose a different route, if we didn't see the bumpy road as so much of a problem?  Instead of thinking of that pothole as a defect in an otherwise perfect system of through-ways, a blemish that must be investigated and eradicated, maybe we could just accept it for what it is, the very necessary and very complementary Dukha for our Sukha.

Why Do We Do This?

Last night I got the urge to cook dinner.  And not just any dinner; a complicated indian shrimp curry with dozens of spices which I would have to grind myself to make the curry powder.  For those of you who cook regularly, this may not seem like such an amazing feat, but for this chick--the one who, if her master-chef-ish fiance isn't around to make food will happily settle for a meal of crackers and hummus and frozen waffles--this was quite a turn of events.

I have been trying to change my relationship to the act of food preparation.  In the past I have always felt, especially if I was only cooking for myself--a kind of what's the point, when it came to meal-making.  I wanted to get to the meal, dangit, and I didn't want to go through all that mess and measuring to get there. But over the last few years my mind has slowly started to change.  This is due to two things: 1) the aforementioned masterful cook that I live with, who demonstrates over and over again the possible adventure of food-making and 2) my deepening devotion to yoga and therefore to the overall health of my body.

The simple truth is that food is important.  It's important, not just because it fuels the body, but because there is actually something of import to be gained in one's relationship to food.  (Ugh, I know.)  This, at least, is what I'm discovering for myself--that my relationship to food is also about how I nourish myself.  Anyone want to wager a guess as to what the larger self-love implications are for a person (me) who tends to rush through making and consuming food, not taking the time to savor, enjoy, make beautiful...appreciate?  Want to just draw a quick line from there to, I don't know, that same person's ability to savor, enjoy and appreciate herself, her life or her own better qualities?  To take care?  To slooooooow down and nurture herself?

Ding, ding, ding!!!

So, for this reason, I am trying to um...adjust some habits.  And as I was cooking last night (even peeling 1 lb. of shrimp, people!) I started to think about how this change, this sudden inspiration to make something ACTUAL, to truly cook, was due to a change in intention.

There's this magical process that happens when you're in pose in yoga class and a teacher reminds you WHY we're doing that particular pose ("twists wring out the internal organs, flooding them with new blood and oxygen").  And the magical thing is that your aggravation or your boredom with the pose (not that I have that, heh heh) goes out the window, and you find yourself actually going deeper, even appreciating the pose more, because you understand its positive benefits.  You understand your intention, and so you know what to look for, where you're heading, and where to focus your attention. 

And this doesn't just go for yoga, obviously...this is about anything we're devoted to.  This is about writing, or painting, or being in relationship to anyone or anything in your life.  IF we are in touch with the larger purpose, the big WHY of why we do these same things or practices or days-with-one-another over and over and over and over again, it prevents us from getting caught up in all the schtuff that doesn't matter.  It's just not as easy for me, for example, to refuse myself a prop or a modification in class if I need one when I have a clear intention, because I know my intention is not "to be most show-off-y yogi in class"... 

Hopefully it's about something larger...like touching down in the center of myself even for one glorious moment.

And so last night, I took the time to peel every single one of those slimy little shrimp, and I didn't mind it one little bit.  (Not even the part where I noticed that they have little faces on their crunchy skins!  Yikes!)  I didn't mind it because I knew that when I lifted a spoonful of that finished curry to my mouth I was going to feel...nourished.  I knew that there was something that I was reaching for that wasn't just about the end result...it wasn't just about ending my current hunger or getting something right...it was actually about the act of making food, of diving in, of cultivating that relationship with myself through what I was putting into my body.

And let me tell you something...it was DElicious.  :)

And today, when I step onto my mat, or when I take my seat at the front of the room to teach, I will try to remember this same thing...I will remind myself why I am here and what I am trying to create and I will notice how much more nourished I feel afterword.  Tonight's practice:  Yoga Curry with Lots of Spices.

I survived...

 The YogaHub Virtual Conference is over...we made it...and now my pieces on various speakers (many of whom were pretty f-ing great) are up and live!

You can see my piece on Felicia Marie Tomasko, editor of LA Yoga and all around Ayurved-ist, here.

Or my post on Marci Shimoff, the love machine, here.

Or perhaps you're interested in the scholarly?  Gary Kraftsow might be a bit more your speed?

And if you like him, you might like my piece on his wife, Mirka Kraftsow, Italian goddess.

Or perhaps you just want to hear about being smarter about the biz of teaching, then perhaps check out the lovely Edi Pasalis.

Phew!  I've been doing a lot of outside writing lately, which has been lovely, but I can't wait to get back firmly-footed in my hometown...Shanti-town.   I have stories to tell!

But tonight I have a date with my mister, so it will just have to wait until tomorrow...

xo,
YogaLia

If You Want to Have a Home Practice...READ THIS.

This amazing article on having a home yoga practice was written by Kara-Leah Grant, the creator of The Yoga Lunchbox (and a friend of mine, I'm happy to say) and published this week in Elephant Journal. It is, without a doubt, the best thing I have read on creating a home practice. Ever.

I would dare say, even if you don't care about doing yoga at home, but you care about doing ANYTHING creative regularly and with passion (you know who you are), I suggest you check this out.

Thank you, Kara-Leah, you are a barrel of loveliness.

I'm an ELEPHANT!!

Hiya Shanti-towners!

Check me out on the amazingly awesome site, Elephant Journal, where I just got my first article published.  If you have a chance to give it a read, please do, and if you like it, leave a comment there or "like" it on their facebook link at the bottom of the page.  I want them to keep me coming back for more!

xo
YogaLia

Yoga Hub Virtual World Yoga Conference 2011

Hey, Shanti-towners...

This week I'm going to be blogging my little brains out for the YogaHub Virtual Yoga Conference.  They are a lovely organization run by lovely people who are very invested in growing the yoga community and creating a platform for speakers and educators from a wide range of disciplines.  I'm super excited to be a part of it AND to be able to take a bunch of free workshops, to boot!  Finally, my life-long dream of constant self-improvement is coming to fruition!  Mwah-ha-ha!

Anyhooo...if you're interested in attending, you can use my extra special insider's link to register: http://www.yogahub.com/ref/YogaLia/029060fd.html, which should give you a an extra special insider's discount.  As I said, it's virtual, so you don't have to "go" anywhere to participate...but if that makes you feel weird, just know that they've done a great job of creating a live conference feeling for the event. 

I will keep you updated as my posts appear on their site so you can check it out throughout the week...get the Shanti-town re-cap! 

xo,
YogaLia

Do Not Disturb

It's Friday morning and I am sipping hotel coffee in my king-size Westin San Diego bed.  Thank you, oh ye gods of hospitality.  I've been here since late Wednesday night, an impromptu trip to visit my mister while he does some work here in lovely SD.   And it IS lovely, though also a bit implacable, as some cities can be...even after a day of wandering I still found myself wondering, "WHO are you, San Diego?"   As of yet I have no answer, though we did happen across some super amazing wine and food last night at this place called Red Velvet Wine Bar, which made me feel a bit more tender about the city overall.

Today I am left to my own devices, and once I can manage to get myself away from this oh-so-comfortable bed, I'll be heading across town to take a yoga class at a nearby studio.  (From a teacher, it turns out, who is a former Laughing Lotus grad, so that should be pretty cooooool.)

Anyhow, I have a little parable to leave you with before I start my day...

Yesterday, also while alone in aforementioned hotel room, I spent several minutes composing and then deleting emails.  I was having one of those days where I felt, oh, sort of forgotten.  Not in a friends and family way, but in a work-relationships kind of way, and my impatience was getting the best of me.  Why isn't that person emailing me back?  Why haven't I gotten any word back about X job I just did or am about to do or said I would do?  Why, why, why?  And I tried composing some direct, "hey did you get my last email?" emails, and I tried composing some less direct, "hey how ARE you?" emails (in the hopes that just my name in the ol' inbox would trigger some response), and then I tried composing some less direct (and way more manipulative) work-around emails, to connections of the people I was actually trying to reach, subtly urging them to help me out. 

But I deleted all of them.

I deleted them because I could feel that I wasn't composing these emails...no, no, that little demon DESPERATION had control of my email account for the moment, and even though it was like putting down an unlit cigarette once you've already stuck it in your mouth and started digging around for the lighter...I willed myself to PUT the email DOWN.  And I did.  And I sat there with myself.  And I reminded myself that I have been down this road before in other incarnations of my life and career, and that even though writing and sending the missive itself can momentarily relieve the itch, that ultimately, whether it's later that day or a week down the road...it would only make things worse.  I reminded myself that it was okay to be patient.  I reminded myself that my time would be better served by getting on my mat and practicing, or reading that book I brought with me, then sending desperate calls for affirmation out into the cyber-universe.

So, that's what I did.  I got on my mat, in the corner of empty hotel room floor, and started playing around.  And after not too long, I nearly forgot what I was so tied up about to begin with.  Until my hotel phone rang.  It was the concierge--I had earlier asked for someone to come up and replace our broken coffee maker, and the concierge woman was following up:

"There is someone with a replacement coffee maker standing outside your door," she said, "but you have your "do not disturb" sign up, and they aren't allowed even to knock if it's there."

And as I hurried over to the door, to let in the man with my new replacement coffee maker, the thing I had REQUESTED, I had to thank the universe for its quick and witty response to my tiny troubles.

GIRLFRIEND, says the quippy universe, you have to take down the sign that says DON'T COME IN, before I'm gonna come in.  You dig?!

And that sign, the one you inadvertently place on your door, while inside you wonder where your coffee-maker is...it can be any number of things.  Maybe it's desperation, maybe it's worry, maybe it's your conclusion that no one cares, that no one wants you, that you're not good enough...whatever it is, just remember that THAT is what is preventing the easy flow of solutions and offers and functioning coffee-makers into your life. 

So, Shanti-towners, if you're feeling stuck, or unseen, it might be worth taking a quick look outside to see if you've accidentally put out that DO NOT DISTURB sign.  Because the universe is polite, and it's not even going to knock, if it's up.

Stillness is Doing

"Stillness is not the absence or negation of energy, life, or movement. Stillness is dynamic. It is unconflicted movement, life in harmony with itself, skill in action. It can be experienced whenever there is total, uninhibited, unconflicted participation in the moment you are in--when you are wholeheartedly present win whatever you are doing."

- Erich Schiffmann

Looking for a Soul --I mean, Wedding Dress

 I am watching "What Not to Wear" and trying to figure out who in my life I could fenagle into nominating me for a make-over, but unfortunately I'm not a moon-boot wearing recovering alcoholic/former party girl or an adult woman who dresses like a 12 year old, so I don't know if I'd really be eligible.  (Though there are days people, there are days...I think if Stacy London were to see me on the street on one of my fuzzy-hair cowboy boots and stretch pants days...she might consider me a viable candidate for the show).

But you know what's sad, it's not even the CLOTHES that I covet, it's the change-your-life via wardrobe makeover, which is so seductive.  And here we have the secret pull of all of these competition reality shows...whether it's losing weight or changing your look or remodeling your house, the unspoken (or hell, sometimes very spoken) agreement is that the contestants will undergo some kind of soul transformation by way of improved body/clothes/living situation.  Which is just...it's the big lie that pervades everything.  Take care of this one sticky spot in your life...fill that one black hole, and VOILA!  Instant and total rebirth.

This, it turns out, is also the secret promise behind BUYING A WEDDING DRESS.

Seriously, people...if you're a married or affianced woman you may know what I'm talking about (so just gimme an AMEN), because when you step into a bridal boutique you very quickly get initiated into the mythology of finding the perfect dress.  It's like some strange tribal reenactment of the search for a mate.  Scan the field for what attracts you, bring some of your favorites into the back room for a "try on", parade them out in front of your female friends (maybe even your mother!), get the assessment from the peanut gallery and then engage in a lot of conversation about how you'll "know it when you see it", and how you have to "wait for the right one"...etc., etc., etc.  Until finally that magic moment arrives when you've found your perfect match!  And everyone cries!  And then you hand over more money than you've ever spent on any single item of clothing ever in your life.

Phew!  (I haven't done that last part yet...)

I've been feeling some frustration about the above lately (not just the dress part...the whole strange world of the wedding industrial complex), but I'm trying to wave my magic yoga wand over the whole situation and realize that part of the whole FANTASY that surrounds being a bride, getting married, making some kind of "perfect" day, is born from the same desire that makes us think a brand new wardrobe and a better haircut can change our lives.  We want transformation. We want transformative acts and events to populate our lives.  And somewhere, deep down, we all think that if we can just get this one thing (or one day) RIGHT, then maybe all the other stuff that clouds our vision will lift.

But the truth is that a new wardrobe soon turns old, hair grows out, houses age, and even a perfect wedding dress eventually gets put away somewhere to gather dust.  And if there's one overarching goal of the yoga practice, it is to wake us up to the reality that the most vital, beautiful, perfectly matched thing you can hope to acquire is your own quiet sleeping soul.  For me, this has been the greatest gift of the practice...that as much as I might WANT to want some outer vehicle for my own satisfaction, I have felt my heart open (sometimes only for a moment) and in the face of that, everything else pales in comparison.

Though $5000 to buy a new wardrobe on TLC's dime...that would be pretty good, too.